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It seems President Trump, that distinguished gentleman who occasionally fancies himself a hatmaker, was perusing a document about youth health initiatives. Among its pages lurked a scheme for the Surgeon General to launch an “educational caravan” highlighting the perils of substances that make one’s eyes widen. THC, the particular gremlin in cannabis that induces giggles and midnight snack cravings, featured prominently in this cautionary tale.

Analysts, those solemn soothsayers of spreadsheets, had conjured visions of $1.23 per share on less than $8.4 billion in revenue. Yet lo! Medtronic, with a flourish, produced $1.26 per share and $8.6 billion in sales. A triumph, one imagines, if not for the inconvenient truth that the curtain fell on profit margins thinner than a nobleman’s excuses.

What transpired today was less a reflection of SoundHound AI’s peculiar virtues-or lack thereof-and more an indictment of broader economic anxieties. Retail earnings reports hinted at tariff-induced inflation, sending tremors through the portfolios of those who favor unprofitable yet visionary enterprises. For SoundHound AI, whose valuation rests upon dreams of future revenue rather than current profits, such news is particularly unwelcome. Even after Tuesday’s correction, the stock trades at a princely 41 times trailing sales-a figure so audacious it could only be described as poetic irony.

And WHO is this newfound prophet, this imminent Bull of the Healthcare Temple? None other than William Blair analyst Matt Larew, who threw caution to the wind with a booming endorsement of Thermo’s stock-an OUTPERFORM, baby! A glorified “BUY!” from the man himself. He can’t tell us *how high* he expects it to fly just yet, but for now, the vibes are righteous.

Ah yes, according to the wise sages at OilPrice.com, “uranium prices and nuclear equities are surging.” Why? Because the world has decided to embrace its love affair with nuclear power again-a sort of atomic renaissance driven by tight supply chains, underbuilt production pipelines, and policy wonks chanting hymns to reactors. This should mean one thing: uranium prices will rise, dragging their glittering cohort of uranium stocks along for the ride. But alas, life is rarely so straightforward, especially when greed and folly enter the picture.

On Monday evening-just as most people were contemplating dinner or, perhaps, whether they’d remembered to unplug their toaster-Iovance announced that Health Canada had conditionally approved its cancer drug Amtagvi for certain types of melanoma. This marks the first time the biotech company has managed to secure approval outside the United States, which is roughly equivalent to discovering your local pub now delivers internationally but only if you promise not to order nachos.

I once tried to explain quantum computing to my dentist during a root canal. He laughed, then winced, then asked if I’d “had this explained to me by someone with a functioning prefrontal cortex.” Rigetti’s predicament reminds me of that exchange: dazzling in theory, excruciating in practice. The company has no ties to Home Depot, yet here we are, connecting tariff-induced price hikes at the hardware store to a sell-off in qubits. Inflation, it turns out, is the ultimate equal-opportunity party pooper.

The quantum computing realm, ever the tantalizing yet fickle mistress, has found its stock trailing woefully behind. The echoes of last week’s perfunctory earnings report resonate with disillusionment, a cruel reminder to investors who dared to dream of dazzling profits. Macro-economic malaise, akin to a waiting storm, has spurred the skittish to leap from the heights of risky stocks, landing with a thud upon the pockmarked ground of conservative choices.