Mrs. SBI’s Finely-Tuned Matchmaking: Bitcoin & XRP Walk Down the ETF Aisle! 😱💍

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Chart of Bitcoin price (¥115,468) with obligatory red candle that thinks far too much of itself.

At the earnings assembly held on the altogether forgettable yet eminently profitable three-month period ending 30 June, 2025, the firm declared its intention to parade, before an astonished FSA, a brace of novelties: a bold Bitcoin-XRP duet ETF* followed swiftly by a most curious “gold & digital gold” collection-rumoured to be 51 % glittering ingots and the remaining 49 % virtual moon-dust, masquerading respectably as Bitcoin. 💰📉

Upstart’s Cosmic Slide: A Stock Market Oddity

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(For those unfamiliar with the stock market, it’s rather like being trapped in a room where everyone else speaks fluent Esperanto while you’re armed only with a phrasebook for Klingon. You can sort of follow along but never quite grasp why certain decisions are made.)

SEI’s Plunge: A 1,300% Surge or Just Tolstoy’s Irony? 😂

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Sei (SEI), once a proud contender in the arena of digital currencies, now trades at a humble $0.29, having succumbed to a 3% daily and 9% weekly decline. Its daily volume, a mere $209 million, whispers of traders still clinging to hope, even as the token spirals downward. Ah, the folly of man! 🌪️

Bakkt’s Grand Entrance: Wall Street Charms Tokyo (and Bitcoin Steals the Spotlight)

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If the shareholders don’t faint with excitement and approve this little escapade, Marusho will soon drop its rather traditional moniker and re-emerge as “bitcoin.jp.” Yes, you heard right-the new wardrobe comes with a dazzling array of digital assets, with Bitcoin as the crown jewel! The company can finally add “entrepreneurial bravado” to its list of investments.

A Retired Teacher Walks Into Bitcoin: Michigan’s $10.7M Crypto Gamble Shocks Everyone

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Crypto Penguin

The ARK 21Shares Bitcoin ETF is Wall Street’s version of buying crypto without that “my password is written on a napkin” anxiety. So, Michigan’s money folk get bitcoin exposure without the risk of grandma accidentally deleting the fund’s wallet – just regulated, ETF-shaped ambiguity. The latest filings reveal ARKB shares almost at $37.72 each. That values Michigan’s boldness at about $11.3 million-no penny-pinching, no sudden panic sales between the “ta-da!” moment and the paperwork.

Powell’s Fall: A Market’s Cold Shoulder

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Powell’s business is a patchwork of gears and grease-power systems for oil rigs, data centers, rail yards. The kind of work that smells like burnt coffee and overtime. Their Q3? A 1% revenue slump, a 3% quarterly nod upward. EPS? $3.96, a 4% rise, propped up by margins that tightened like a noose.

You Won’t Believe Michael Saylor’s Plan for Total Financial World Domination 😎

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In an interview destined to make petrified old-school investors reach for their smelling salts, Lee compares Saylor’s approach of accumulating Bitcoin with the single-minded fervor of a Victorian gentleman collecting antiques. His method, Lee says, is “changing the reality of the stock market”-which is to say, upending centuries of financial protocol with all the delicacy of a bull in a Baccarat crystal shop.

Opendoor’s Stock Tumbles: A Tale of Market Mayhem and Meme Misadventures 🏡📉

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Those investors who had fancied themselves as Carvana’s long-lost cousins, expecting Opendoor to follow in the tire tracks of that beleaguered car-flipper, were met with a rather dispiriting sight. While the numbers themselves were not entirely calamitous-indeed, they matched expectations-the company’s third-quarter guidance was a bit of a damp squib, leaving shareholders ashen-faced and clutching their portfolios like a man clutching a sinking lifeboat.