Because, let’s face it, this ride isn’t just about what they say—it’s about what flares up from the smoldering ashes of hype, driven by the obsession with chaos, quantum leaps into future tech, and the relentless greed of those silicon vultures circling the carcass of innovation.
At 12:27 p.m. ET, the stock danced 12.6% higher. A number, like a smile, can be misleading. It may last until the next earnings call. It may not. So it goes.
As per a report from The Rage, the duo swapped their “innocent until proven guilty” hats for “guilty pleasure” ones, trading serious money-laundering charges (which could’ve landed them 25 years in a very damp cell) for a slap on the wrist and a side of fines. Rodriguez now owes the U.S. Treasury $250,000, while Hill’s tab totals $400,000. Both agreed to hand over a jaw-dropping $237 million—a generous donation to the government’s piggy bank—to avoid a potential five-year nap in a federal nap pod. 🛌🚫
As of today, the ten grandmasters of Bitcoin mining—Foundry, Antpool, ViaBTC, F2pool, MARA Pool, Spider Pool, SEC Pool, Luxor, Binance Pool, and Braiins Pool—lord over the network like a pack of wolves in a blockchain forest. Foundry, the self-proclaimed king of the hill, wields 30.88% of the hashrate and guards a hoard of 772.652 BTC (down from 2,000 BTC in March 2024—what a generous mood swing!). Coinbase, that ever-faithful squire, flanks Foundry in its financial escapades.
Today, I find myself staring at my Peloton Interactive (PTON) stock chart like it’s the last slice of cake in the fridge—tempting but slightly guilt-inducing. Shares soared 14.6% by mid-morning after some analyst over at UBS decided to upgrade it to a “buy.” An $11 price target? That’s practically double where the stock closed yesterday. Either this is genius-level investing or we’re all about to fall off a very expensive stationary bike.
While Bitget Wallet experts, with their crystal balls and spreadsheets, boldly predict a $10,000 target for Ethereum (ETH), Standard Chartered chimes in with a prediction that companies might soon own 10% of all Ether. 🏦 A tenfold increase, they say, with the gravitas of a man who’s just discovered fire. 🔥
If management is to be believed—and belief, in the markets, is less a virtue than a vice—they have furnished the world with an augury of 12% revenue growth and a portly 20% lift in adjusted EPS for 2025. This is all one could desire, save perhaps for the explanation of how cyclical gravity has momentarily been suspended. The shares, undaunted by pesky realities, ascended to record highs with all the decorum of a champagne cork at a bachelor’s table.
What sent this stock charging forward? According to the financial grapevine, it all started with an analyst note from Wedbush’s Dan Ives—a man whose name now feels as familiar to me as my own reflection in the mirror after too many late-night trading binges. He raised his price target on FUBO to $6, citing “encouraging” preliminary results and calling management’s guidance “conservative.” Encouraging? Conservative? These are words I cling to when trying not to panic about volatile streaming stocks.
After a first-quarter stumble—marketing costs bloated, tariffs snarled the supply chain—LendingClub found its rhythm. They made $0.33 per share on $248.5 million. A tidy sum. The world keeps spinning. So it goes.
With the grandeur of a Cossack ballad, Coinbase announced their partnership via a tweet and a blog post, declaring their intent to “bridge tradfi to crypto.” The trio of new features? Let’s call it a love letter to the 80 million souls who’ve entrusted Coinbase with their digital dreams. Or their savings. Depends on the market. 🤷♂️