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THE CORONAVIRUS CAME ALONG LIKE A DRUNK GUNMAN IN A CHURCH, AND EVERYONE GOT SCREWED. RETAILERS WENT BUST, CONSUMERS RAN TO ONLINE SHOPS LIKE IT WAS THE LAST BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN A WILDERNESS. UPS? IT WAS THE BARTENDER, SLINGING SHOTS OF SHIPPING TO A CROWD THAT DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS DRUNK. THE STOCK TOOK OFF LIKE A BEE IN A BATHROOM, BUT THEN THE DRINKS STOPPED COMING. WALL STREET, THAT BUNCH OF ALCOHOLICS, THOUGHT THE PARTY WOULD NEVER END. IT DID. AND NOW UPS IS THE GUY WHO WOKE UP NEXT TO A STRANGER, TRYING TO REMEMBER IF HE PAID HIS RENT.

According to the SEC’s ever-reliable filings, Constitution Capital trimmed its Coca-Cola stake by 50,233 shares during the quarter. A transaction so unremarkable, it would have been overlooked had it not been for the faint scent of drama. The remaining 57,436 shares, valued at $3.81 million, now constitute a mere 1.78% of the fund’s assets. A paltry fraction, one might argue, for a company that has weathered centuries of economic turmoil.

Picture this: You’re Shaker Investments, minding your own business, and suddenly you’re staring at a spreadsheet that says “Sprouts = 1.65% of our AUM”. Not top five, mind you. Just… there. Like that one coworker who always forgets your birthday but still asks to borrow a stapler. So you do the math, check the average price, and decide to cut your losses faster than a vegan at a steakhouse. By September 30, your portfolio looks suspiciously like a tech bro’s grocery list: AX at 13.5%, AVGO and NVDA tied like lovers at 4.9%, and Microsoft lingering like an awkward third date at 3.4%.

Unlike my half-hearted attempts at yoga (Units of Flexibility Achieved: 0), nuclear provides baseload stability. And in this high-stakes game of energy Jenga, Centrus Energy‘s (LEU) position feels like being the only one who remembered to bring wine to the apocalypse.

It is a persistent creed among the investor class that individual stocks constitute the zenith of wealth-building vehicles, exclusive and unprecedented. But I contend, with the weight of experience behind me, that the treasure of growth can be unearthed within exchange-traded funds (ETFs) as well. One such beacon of potential is the Vanguard Communication Services ETF (VOX).

These two stocks? They’re not just rebounding-they’re doing a backflip over a minefield. And the best part? You can still jump on the train, provided you don’t trip over your own feet. Here’s the lowdown, straight from the front lines of the financial apocalypse.