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Adam Back, a cypherpunk extraordinaire and co-founder of Blockstream (basically the Zaphod Beeblebrox of Bitcoin infrastructure), took to X (formerly known as Twitter, but let’s not get into that) to assure everyone that Bitcoin is “quantum ready.” But don’t worry, he says, quantum computers are still “ridiculously early”-like, so early they’re probably still figuring out how to tie their own shoelaces. 👶💻 He predicts no quantum doom for at least a decade, and even if some encryption bits get cracked, Bitcoin’s core security is as solid as the Restaurant at the End of the Universe’s menu. No stolen Bitcoin, no panic, just a lot of unnecessary hand-wringing.

Yet CRV, that melancholic soul, fell 2.63% in this very period. A week? Oh, merely a 9.9% descent into the abyss. How poetic, how utterly Russian 🥟. Even Bitcoin, the tsar of crypto, was humiliated at $90k, rejected like a suitor at a provincial ball.

According to Sacks, Senate Banking Chair Tim Scott and Agriculture Chair John Boozman (yes, the same Agriculture Committee that somehow ended up in the crypto game-go figure 🌽💻) have confirmed this bipartisan bill is hitting the Senate floor next month. And no, this isn’t another “maybe next year” promise. It’s happening. Allegedly. 🤞

Historically speaking, similar ascending channels in Ethereum’s charts have acted as a kind of fiscal safety net during midterm corrections. The observation of higher lows and specific volume patterns has traditionally been the trader’s preferred way to ascertain support-and, perhaps, a future rebound. Yet, one must remember, such signs remain less reliable when the network participation wanes, like a grand ball with fewer and fewer guests arriving.

In what they’re calling a “long-term competitive strategy,” Bitfinex has decided to cut those pesky maker and taker fees. And guess what? This isn’t just a one-time offer; it’s the new default. They’ve thrown open the doors to spot trading, margin trading, derivatives, securities, and even OTC trading on Bitfinex Securities. Just don’t ask them when this glorious free-for-all is going to end. They’re keeping that under wraps, probably because they’ve misplaced the calendar. 🗓️

Yes, folks, Intuit is teaming up with Circle to sprinkle some USDC magic across its platform. Credit Karma, TurboTax, QuickBooks-oh, the possibilities! 🤯

Ah, Bitcoin, the eternal tightrope walker of finance, balancing on the edge of a $1.125 trillion realized cap, while its price plunges like a melodramatic hero in a Pasternakian novel. 🌪️💔 Is this the bull market’s last gasp, or merely a dramatic pause before the next act? The on-chain metric, which values each bitcoin at its last moved price, suggests the latter-a quiet rebellion against speculative frenzy. 🕵️‍♂️

The analysts are split, folks-like a bad marriage counselor’s office. Half say it’s heading to the depths of despair, while the other half whispers, “Wait for the big comeback!” Classic drama, baby!