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Frankly, this ain’t just a political promise—it’s a spectacle you’d pay a nickel to watch through a hole in a circus tent.

Metaplanet, a daring Japanese company (because why not?), declared an audacious quest to amass a staggering $5.4 billion worth of Bitcoin by the end of 2027. Already, in a single day, they snatched up $517 million, like ravenous wolves at the market. The hunger is real, dear reader. 🍣

Someone took to the bank’s online help desk and asked, straight out, “Say now, can I buy one of them newfangled cryptocurrencies with my Barclaycard?” To which the bank gave a reply colder than a January pond: “Nope, not a chance. Go fish.”

More recently, mobile devices have been affected by malware that infiltrated them via corrupted applications. These apps contained various enticing software designed to attract cryptocurrency users. Fortunately, the removal of many methods for SparkKitty’s attacks has been facilitated by the moderation efforts within app stores.

The year began almost charmed: XRP, like a careworn student suddenly favored by a stern governess, flirted with its January highs. Victories in dusty American courts—against the stony U.S. SEC no less!—gave cause for hope and even a muted celebration. Partnerships blossomed. Were we fools to imagine peace? Alas, global drama cares little for crypto dreams. Just as the samovar boils at the most inopportune moment, so too did the world’s agitation send XRP tumbling, down to an ignoble $1.91 before pulling itself up by its own bootstraps (or whatever digital assets use for boots these days) to exchange glances with $2.28—stubborn as any Russian checkpoint.

In a union more tantalizing than Orgon’s marriage to Elmire, Cardano has clasped hands with none other than Techstars—a court famed for giving succor to those who tinker endlessly with code and dreams. Together they present the noble Project Catalyst, a pre-accelerator so global in reach that even your great Aunt might apply by accident. Pray, do mark your calendars from October through December! That’s nearly two whole acts!

Nothing says “confidence” like shoving $101 million into a bunch of numbers on a screen. Grant Cardone, who apparently never met a risk he didn’t want to buy dinner, mixed real estate and Bitcoin, calling it the “two best-in-class assets”—which is bold, coming from a man who once tried to sell everything at a ten-times markup.

They say, with the dreaminess reserved for spring evenings, the joining of Columbus Circle Capital and ProCap will yield ProCap Financial Inc., who shall emerge into daylight with $1 billion worth of Bitcoin. Yes, $1 billion, as if one could trade those imaginary coins for a bowl of borscht at grandmother’s. The merger is expected before year’s end, unless, of course, the world ends first—for such things have been known to happen.

Our dear friend Bitcoin, always the drama queen, took a flying leap down to $98,286.21, frightening investors who were probably already hiding under their desks. But, to everyone’s outrageously stunned relief, it rebounded with the style of a cat who’s just realized it’s landed in the bath, scraping its way heroically back to $103,000. All this, and it’s still hogging 65% of the crypto market—because of course it is.

The bean-counters say they paid $106,408 per “coin.” (Insert stunned gasps, several monocles hitting the marble floor.) Bitcoin, never one to miss a dramatic entrance or a spectacular pratfall, has wobbled its price down more than 5% this week, like a tipsy wizard distracted by butterflies.