OMG! FTX’s founder insists all customers made bank? 😂

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FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) has apparently turned his court drama into a Netflix-worthy series, now claiming judicial bias in his fraud conviction. 🎬🍿

Apparently, his legal team believes the trial was as rigged as a game of Monopoly, with crucial evidence getting the silent treatment. Clearly, he deserves another go, and this time, with a judge who doesn’t hate surprisessss….

Sam Bankman-Fried Claims FTX Customers Actually Won Big 🎉

In a jaw-dropping January 31 court filing, SBF laments the unfairness of his trial, alleging that the judge was about as biased as your favorite aunt at a family reunion.

His brilliantly theatrical lawyers argue that FTX customers didn’t lose a cent—nope, nothing to see here folks. They’re insisting those losses were like temporary hiccups because creditors are apparently recouping more than what they initially lost, thanks to FTX’s incredibly “wise” investments in companies like Anthropic, Solana, and Mysten Labs. 💸

Oh, and here’s the kicker: his appeal boasts that an early investment in Anthropic, which SBF snagged for a casual $500 million, is now helping creditors hit the jackpot. Just a bit of luck and *poof* ✨—Anthropic’s value skyrockets to a cool $60 billion. Who knew the guy was such a financial wizard, right?

“Consider Anthropic. Bankman-Fried invested early in Anthropic—purchasing a substantial share for approximately $500 million. The company is now worth $60 billion, earning a return multiples over. His investment was brilliant,” his lawyers exclaimed with all the subtlety of a confetti cannon.

As you’d expect from any good court drama, SBF is also crying foul over suppressed evidence. He’s waving flags, claiming that FTX’s blunders were actually all part of a grand master plan… authorized by his own legal counsel no less. 🙄

But wait—there’s more! The court apparently played hardball by blocking him from showing proof that lawyers greenlit his every move. Talk about a plot twist, huh?

And of course, no good scandal is complete without a subplot of betrayal: SBF’s legal eagles are pointing fingers at Sullivan & Cromwell (S&C), accusing them of conflicts of interest. According to them, S&C was knee-deep in FTX’s dealings and only decided to scream “crime!” after the collapse. Smooth.

Let’s not forget: S&C is also accused of tattling to prosecutors behind SBF’s back, setting the stage for his grand indictment. 🕵️‍♀️

“Instead of recusing itself, S&C suddenly claimed this commingling was a crime after the November 2022 run on deposits. S&C then affirmatively reached out to prosecutors without notifying Bankman-Fried, its then-client—to invite this prosecution,” they drama-queenishly argued.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get messier, SBF’s lawyers are now calling the court’s $11 billion repayment order “unlawful” and, get this, “indefensible.” It’s like they were handed a bar tab they didn’t even drink. 🍸

Seriously, who could ever cough up $11,020,000,000, especially after handing over all assets? Not SBF, that’s for sure! 🙅

“There is zero chance Bankman-Fried—who already turned over all his assets—could ever repay $11,020,000,000, or anything close,” his lawyers penned dramatically.

And for the grand finale: there’s gossip his parents are now trying to score a presidential pardon. Meanwhile, FTX creditors are just sitting tight, waiting for their slice of the bankruptcy pie. 🥧🎭

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2025-02-02 17:01