North Carolina’s Crypto Retirement Fund Plan Will Make You LOL

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Well, folks, North Carolina lawmakers are apparently ready to YOLO into the crypto market. 🎢 They’ve got bills cooking in the House and Senate that would let the state’s treasurer gamble—I mean, *invest*—up to 5% of those precious retirement funds into digital currencies like Bitcoin. Because nothing says “secure future” like assets that can drop faster than your phone in a toilet. 🚽📉

The House’s version, called the *Investment Modernization Act* (House Bill 506), was introduced by Representative Brenden Jones on March 24. It’s supposed to create a new authority—because clearly what we all need is more bureaucracy with a fancy name—called the North Carolina Investment Authority. This brave little agency would decide which digital doodads, like Bitcoin or NFTs of bored apes, are worthy of your hard-earned retirement dollars. 🐒💸

Meanwhile, over in the Senate, the identical twin bill—State Investment Modernization Act (Senate Bill 709)—made its debut on March 25. Spoiler: It’s basically the same thing but with extra vowels for dramatic effect. 🎭

Let’s pause for a second. These bills define “digital assets” as cryptocurrencies, stablecoins, NFTs, or, and I quote, “any other asset that is electronic in nature that confers economic, proprietary or access rights.” So, basically, they’re ready to invest your hard-saved bucks into anything with electricity, even your grandma’s old Tamagotchi. 🧓🐣

Crypto legislation image

But hey, don’t worry just yet—this new investment authority will *totally* “weigh the risk and reward” of each digital asset. Translation: they’ll cross their fingers and hope they don’t retire with Monopoly money. 🤑 Also, they’ll probably store everything in Gringotts vault-level security because, you know, magic will protect your Bitcoin. 🏦✨

The real buzzkill? According to Bitcoin Laws (a group that presumably spends their weekends crocheting Bitcoin-themed sweaters), this bill doesn’t even *require* the state to hold its digital assets over the long term. That’s right, they can just ghost your crypto savings whenever they feel like it. 👻💻

Because One Bitcoin Bill Isn’t Enough…

North Carolina clearly wants their name on the crypto leaderboards, so on March 18, senators lobbed another bill onto the pile: the *Bitcoin Reserve and Investment Act* (Senate Bill 327). This one calls for up to 10% of public funds to go—surprise, surprise—straight into Bitcoin. Because what could possibly go wrong with putting public funds into something that has mood swings worse than a reality TV villain? 📉🎢💎

Oh, and it gets better: the treasurer would need to store the Bitcoin in a “multi-signature cold storage wallet”—otherwise known as a glorified treasure chest for crypto pirates. 🏴‍☠️ Treasure maps not included.

If a “severe financial crisis” hits, they’ll only sell the Bitcoin *with* a two-thirds approval from North Carolina’s General Assembly. Because the perfect time for a group of politicians to make financial decisions is definitely in the middle of a crisis. 🤦‍♀️🔥

To oversee this shenanigans, the bill proposes a “Bitcoin Economic Advisory Board.” Honestly, at this point, why not throw in a Bitcoin mascot or a theme song while they’re at it? 🎶📀

Apparently, everyone’s jumping on this bandwagon. Bitcoin Laws says 41 Bitcoin reserve bills have popped up in 23 states. *Forty-one.* That’s almost enough to form an exclusive cult—or at least a very confused book club.📚

And let’s not forget, earlier this month, former President Donald Trump even signed an executive order for a Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. Yep, crypto hoarding is now government-approved. I’m sure this’ll end *great*. 😬

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2025-03-26 08:46