Microstrategy’s Bitcoin Mania: How 55 Million People Got Indirectly Bitten by the Crypto Bug

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Ah, the grand theater of finance unfolds! The titan known as “Strategy” — no meek player — has summoned unto itself the eager throngs of 13,000 institutions, dragging behind it a staggering 55 million souls unknowingly entranced by MSTR, their fates tethered by ETFs, pensions, and the grim lottery of retirement portfolios. Such is the modern serfdom, gilded in numbers.

The Iron Grip of Strategy: An Empire Cast Over 13,000 Institutions and Millions More

In the twilight world of software diviners and digital oracles, the entity once called Microstrategy — now proudly christened “Strategy” — paraded its latest decree upon the buzzing bazaar of platform X. Michael Saylor, that executive chair with the zeal of a prophetic zealot, announced the swelling ranks of devotees to MSTR’s unholy bitcoin gospel. He proclaimed, with a fervor that might have stirred even the most hardened cynic, that both direct and subterranean ranks swell unabated, as if driven by feverish madness to embrace the inscrutable bitcoins.

“Behold,” quoth he, “in the realms of raw public datum, there stand over 13,000 institutions and 814,000 retail accounts clutching MSTR outright. Yet, beyond the veil of direct grasp, a staggering 55 million beneficiaries lie entranced through swirling currents of ETFs, mutual funds, pensions, and insurance schemes—unaware passengers on this digital ark.”

The man did not stop there, no. He extolled the vast diffusion of MSTR’s presence through these mechanical contrivances, ETFs and retirement husks alike, which feed upon the company’s insatiable appetite for bitcoin hoarding. Current tallies boast a mountain of 531,644 BTC, recently augmented by a princely acquisition of 3,459 BTC, a mere rounding error of $286 million in the brutal calculus of the crypto world.

All funded by Strategy’s sorcery of perpetual stock offerings, a dance of numbers where 959,712 shares of Class A common stock evaporated into cold cash—$285.7 million—to bankroll further bitcoin conquests. And lo! As of April 13, Strategy could summon $2.08 billion in MSTR shares alone, alongside $20.97 billion in STRK shares, poised like an armory for yet more digital treasure hunts.

Michael Saylor, the bitcoin apostle with his eyes fixed on the apocalyptic horizon of 2045, dares to dream of bitcoin soaring to $13 million—a fortune wrapped inside a fortune. Even his visions tilt between euphoric $49 million peaks and the humbling $3 million abysses. Recently, he lobbied regulators and wise men in the great halls of power, dined with the Crypto Task Force of the SEC, and in the White House Cryptic Summit hosted by that mercurial master of ceremonies, President Donald Trump. Saylor’s gospel foretells a bitcoin market cap swelling to $500 trillion, promising the Strategic Bitcoin Reserve to bestow the U.S. Treasury with riches beyond reckoning—$16 to $81 trillion by mid-century.

One must chuckle, or cry, at this grand spectacle—this delirium of numbers and fervent hopes—wherein billions entwine destinies with digital illusions, and the world holds its breath, wondering if this fever dream of currency shall crown a new king, or crash into oblivion with a cruel laugh. 🤡💸

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2025-04-21 06:59