Michael Saylor’s Terrifyingly Enthusiastic Bitcoin Bet Will Make You Spit Your Tea Out

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If ever there was a chap who could make the nation’s knees knock in anticipation over a spot of digital dosh, it’s Michael Saylor-the man who treats Bitcoin with the kind of devotion normally reserved for ancient family recipes or the last biscuit in the tin. As Bitcoin dusts off its boots and begins another ascent to glory, the entire crypto brigade is atwitter, twirling their monocles and secretly wondering if they’ve missed the profit train (again).

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With Bitcoin peering over the edge of its all-time high like an over-caffeinated squirrel, Saylor-the impish co-founder and reigning chairman of Strategy, previously known as MicroStrategy and currently suffering an acute identity crisis-has sent the crypto community into a dizzy tizzy with his latest chest-thumping declaration. Whenever Saylor tweets, markets quake and lesser mortals reconsider their life choices.

Saylor’s social media sermon on X (which, one suspects, was formerly the letter Twitter until Elon got at it) was simple: “If you don’t stop buying Bitcoin, you won’t stop making Money.” In other words, throw caution-and possibly your grandmother’s pension fund-to the wind. BTC, he assures us, is not just a bundle of code, but the golden ticket to generational wealth, immortality, and eternal smugness.

Evidently, Saylor’s confidence has caused a stampede reminiscent of the Great Tulip Mania, except now everybody’s brandishing smartphones instead of bulbs. The legendary scarcity of BTC, coupled with its famed immunity to inflation (or “governmental tomfoolery,” as the butler calls it), sets it apart from investments like government bonds, or, say, beanie babies.

The proof, dear reader, is in the pudding-or in the image, really. Saylor’s Bitcoin tracker image shows his company’s BTC nest egg has swelled to a jaw-dropping $74 billion. This conveniently causes rampant speculation about another monster Bitcoin buy tomorrow, as if Saylor’s financial decisions are orchestrated for dramatic effect-if so, one admires the sense of theatre.

Upon seeing Saylor’s post, Cipher X, a crypto luminary whose very name conjures visions of clandestine meetings and mysterious fortunes, declared Saylor to be the “definition of conviction in crypto”-possibly because “masochist” is reserved for those who prefer actual roller coasters to financial ones. While most investors clutch their pearls at each price dip or “Bitcoin is dead” headline, Saylor simply orders another helping (sometimes with a side of pancakes).

After Strategy’s legendary run, their BTC wager now sits at a profit of more than 6,104%-a figure so large it’s mostly used when counting points in obscure Victorian card games. Lest anyone call it luck, experts decree this windfall is due to discipline, patience, and the kind of stubborn optimism that makes even glass-half-full enthusiasts look dour.

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Now, for the pièce de résistance: Saylor predicts that Bitcoin will shoot its way up to $1 million faster than a hedgehog at a garden party. He informs us-in a clip circulating via BitcoinXpress-that “if Bitcoin is not going to zero, it is going to $1 million,” which is reassuring in the way that being told dinner is either caviar or cold beans is reassuring.

To propel BTC to this level, Saylor invokes the support of US President Donald Trump, assorted luminaries, and the Cabinet (all presumably wearing elaborate medals and waving tiny flags), plus bank custody shenanigans, which apparently tip the cosmic scales in favour of digital wealth.

Having weathered its riskiest calamities, and with institutional investors buying up BTC like it’s the last bottle of Pimm’s on a bank holiday, Saylor claims supply is dwindling and price poised to leap ever skyward. Whether this actually happens or not remains to be seen, but one thing is clear: Saylor will be ready, riding atop a golden Bitcoin while the rest of us squabble over decimal points.

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2025-08-11 19:35