Michael Saylor’s Bitcoin Plot Sends Wall Street Into Frenzy—Analysts Drop Their Monocles!

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Pray, good folk! Word on the financial street—nay, the boulevard!—hath reached my ears: Michael Saylor, a man most ardent in his amour for digital doubloons, declareth with neither blush nor bashfulness that Strategy, his well-coiffed enterprise, shall pursue Bitcoin with the zeal of a suitor at a masked ball. 🤵💰

Two arbiters of Wall Street (where fortunes are made and lost with the regularity of court gossip), having consulted their oracles and account ledgers, nodded sagely at this bravado. According to tidings from a parchment dated Friday, May 2 (forsooth, this year, even!), the soothsayers at the houses of Benchmark and TD Cowen sang high praises for Saylor’s insatiable appetite for accumulating bitcoin as if collecting rare cheeses at a provincial festival. 🧀➡️🪙

“Behold,” quoth Mark Palmer, that grand vizier of finance at Benchmark, “Strategy’s craftiest gambit yet—first to the crypto masquerade, and filling their purse whilst the others dither.” The man even prophesied a price target of $650, up from the paltry $395—a leap worthy of Phileas Fogg himself!

Wall Street Scribes: Bulls or Balderdash?

As the number of imitators multiplies like rabbits in the king’s gardens, Palmer, clutching his feathered quill, affirmed Strategy’s knack for snatching up bitcoin with ever-increasing speed. “Yesterday,” he perhaps whispered between sips of Bordeaux, “Strategy flexed its first-mover muscle to remind all: catch us if you can!” 🐰💨

Not content with mere words, the ever-animated Saylor, king of Bitcoin soirées, announced a bold plot: he’ll wield both common stock and debts like dueling swords, aiming to hoard $84 billion—neatly cleaved into $42 billion slices of debt and stock. Why settle for one dance partner when you can twirl with both? 💃🥂

Strategy announces BTC Yield of 13.7% and BTC $ Gain of $5.8B year-to-date, doubles capital plan to $42B equity and $42B fixed income to purchase bitcoin, and increases BTC Yield target from 15% to 25% and BTC $ Gain target from $10B to $15B. $MSTR $STRK $STRF

— Strategy (@Strategy) May 1, 2025

Ambition, thou art a hungry beast! Yet, Lance Vitanza—a sage from the house of Cowen—shrugged, twirling his mustache (one presumes), declaring Strategy’s ambition not altogether mad. With a market cap swollen to $111 billion—fatter than a lord at Christmas—Vitanza reckons a $550 target doth not cause him to spill his wine. 🍷💸

Peering into their digital coffers, Strategy now claims 553,555 Bitcoins—some 2.5% of the world’s hoard, enough to make Scrooge McDuck blanch. Though oft outperforming even Bitcoin itself, Strategy’s gamble rides heavily on borrowed coin; should Bitcoin’s price tumble, their debts could become as unwieldy as a tragedy in five acts.

So, as the bard says: If Bitcoin stays sturdy, investors may gain riches enough for three lifetimes. But let BTC droop, and Saylor’s grand Bitcoin ball might scatter at midnight—debts unpaid, coins sold, and the whole crypto kingdom left in a cloud of powdered wigs and regret! 🎭👑🐓

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2025-05-02 21:03