Meta: A Millionaire-Maker? Fuggedaboutit!

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So, Meta Platforms. Formerly Facebook. A company that started with a dorm room and a questionable idea about ranking attractiveness. Now it’s a trillion-dollar behemoth. A trillion! Oy vey. Folks are wondering if this is the ticket to early retirement. Let me tell you something, I’ve seen more reliable get-rich-quick schemes involving trained pigeons and a very large net.

Back in 2012, when this thing IPO’d, it was like the Gold Rush all over again, only instead of panning for gold, you were clicking “like” on pictures of cats. The stock has gone up 1,520% since then. That’s… a lot. More than my Aunt Mildred’s collection of porcelain dolls, and that’s saying something. It’s even outperformed the S&P 500. Which, let’s be honest, isn’t exactly a high bar these days. It’s like winning a race against a sloth. Still, you take what you can get.

Meta Platforms and the AI Shtick

Now, they’re throwing money at Artificial Intelligence. Thirty-nine billion dollars this year, and they’re planning on upping that to seventy-one billion. That’s enough money to buy a small country. Or, you know, a really, really big server farm. They say it’s for “technical infrastructure.” I say it’s a way to distract us from the fact that they’re still figuring out how to stop the algorithm from showing me ads for things I bought three years ago. The CFO, Susan Li, is all excited about it. She probably has a vested interest in the server farm business. Don’t look at me like that! I’m just saying!

They’ve got 3.54 billion daily active users. That’s… everyone. Your mother, your barber, that guy who keeps sending you chain letters. It’s a global monopoly disguised as a social network. And they’re raking in the dough. Thirty-seven-point-seven billion in net income in the first nine months of the year. It’s enough to make Scrooge McDuck blush. All that cash flow allows them to splurge on AI. But here’s the kicker: will it actually work? That, my friends, is the million-dollar question. Or, in this case, the seventy-one-billion-dollar question.

They claim AI is boosting engagement. Engagement! What does that even mean? Are people spending more time arguing with strangers online? Are they buying more useless junk? I need answers! But hey, advertising revenue is up. Fifty billion in the last quarter. Ninety-eight percent of their total revenue. They’re selling our data, and we’re paying them for the privilege. It’s brilliant, really. Pure, unadulterated genius. And they’re lowering costs for advertisers with these “Advantage+ AI tools.” Like that’s going to make anyone’s ads any less annoying.

Zuckerberg says AI advertising could become a larger share of global GDP. GDP! The man is dreaming big. Or possibly delusional. But I’ll tell you what, it’s a statement that got overlooked. Maybe he’s onto something. Or maybe he’s just trying to justify the seventy-one-billion-dollar investment. Who knows?

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Tailwinds and Fool’s Gold

Okay, so the stock is growing. Earnings per share are projected to increase 11.6% annually. Not bad. Not bad at all. And the valuation isn’t outrageous. A forward P/E ratio of 21.1. It’s like finding a reasonably priced pastrami on rye in Manhattan. A miracle! So, is it a good stock to buy? Maybe. There’s a decent chance it will beat the market over the next five years. But let’s not get carried away. It’s not a guaranteed path to riches. It’s just a stock. A piece of paper. A digital entry in a database.

Will it help you retire a millionaire? Please. Let’s be realistic. If you’re just starting out, you’ve got thirty years until retirement, you’d need a hefty initial investment. Like, six figures. And even then, there are no guarantees. The market could crash. Zuckerberg could decide to launch a line of self-folding laundry. Anything could happen! If you have less time, forget about it. You’re better off buying lottery tickets. At least that’s more entertaining.

Look, Meta Platforms is an elite business. A worthwhile investment opportunity. As part of a diversified portfolio. But don’t delude yourself into thinking it’s going to make you a millionaire. It’s a good company, sure. But it’s not magic. It’s just… a stock. And frankly, I’ve seen more exciting things happen at a bingo night.

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2026-01-18 19:02