Mark Twain Roasts: Tether Sits on a Treasury Pile, Grins at Billion-Dollar Profits, and Swims in Wallets 🤑

by

Well now, folks, gather ’round and let me spin you a tale of financial shenanigans so grand, even riverboat gamblers would doff their hats. The stablecoin wranglers over yonder at Tether have just loosed their Q1 2025 “attestation” — fancy word for a pile of papers saying, “Yep, we counted the beans, and by golly, there’s a heap of ‘em.”

Tether: Collecting Treasuries Like Aunt Polly Collects Cats

By the numbers, Tether’s holding more U.S. Treasuries than a small-town bank dreams about — $120 billion or so, and you can bet Tom Sawyer would try to whitewash those numbers for a nickel and a frog. All told, there’s $149.27 billion in assets stacked up against liabilities of $143.68 billion, which is a margin even Huck Finn would call “ticklish.”

Tether Approaching $120B in U.S. Treasuries, Confirms Quarterly Operating Profit Over $1B, and Strengthens Global USD₮ Demand in Q1 2025
Read more:

— Tether (@Tether_to) May 1, 2025

The Tether folks say their stash of bonds and IOUs — some straight from Uncle Sam, some hiding in “money market funds” and slick ol’ “reverse repos” — helped them rake in more than $1 billion in operating profit. Even gold gave them a little glimmer, keeping them afloat when crypto started flapping like Aunt Sally’s laundry in a March wind. 🪙

They’re issuing so many USDT tokens you’d think they’re printing trading cards for a Sunday school raffle — $143.68 billion out in the wild, and the herd grew by $7 billion faster than Tom could say, “Work? This is play!” Add about 46 million new wallets, and suddenly there’s 415 million people holding Tether worldwide. Why so many wallets? Maybe folks just like collecting empty ones. 😉

The boss, Paolo Ardoino (don’t try spelling that after dinnertime), brags that 37% of folks are stashing Tether for “savings.” Rest are presumably buying NFTs of imaginary cats. Tokens fly around with a daily volume of $30 billion, which is more than most folks’ lifetime lemonade stand revenue.

Tether’s Rainy Day Fund: More Buffers Than a Steamboat Paddle

Paolo, never one to miss the chance to tip a hat, crows on Twitter about $5.6 billion extra set aside — just in case. That’s more cushion than my Aunt Polly’s favorite couch. Every dollar of USDT is backed by something, probably even a lock of Twain’s famous hair, and the official accountants from BDO have peeked behind the curtain, just to be sure.

Spooked about a run on the bank? Don’t be. Tether vows they’ve got “highly liquid” instruments. If anybody comes knocking for their cash, Tether’s got the bags by the door and the engine idling.

Tether just released the attestation for Q1 2025, the first quarter under the regulatory supervision in El Salvador.

Highlights as of 31st March 2025:
* 143.6B total issued USDt.
* 149.3B total assets/reserves.
* 5.6B excess reserves, on top of the 100% reserves in liquid assets…

— Paolo Ardoino (@paoloardoino) May 1, 2025

Now that Tether’s roped themselves into El Salvador’s regulatory corral, they’re licensed and liable — at least until the next rule change. Over $2 billion has been stashed by Tether for long-term ideas: peer-to-peer jawing, cables to nowhere, artificial intelligence (whatever that is), and renewable energy (which, near as I can tell, means hoping the wind keeps blowing). 🤠

Ardoino’s latest crusade involves Wallet Development Kits and something called “Tether AI”—the self-proclaimed “unstoppable AI peer-to-peer platform.” Unstoppable? We’ll see about that when their servers meet the Mississippi mud. Oh, and apparently, Donald Trump himself might help Tether (don’t ask me how; sometimes truth is not just stranger than fiction, it’s full-on pantaloon crazy).

Read More

2025-05-01 22:55