In the modern gardens of commerce, where men in pressed jackets strategize not about crops or war, but bitcoin—yes, bitcoin, the great potato of our era—KULR Technology Group has secured, with all the fanfare of a czar’s needless parade, a $20 million credit facility from Coinbase Credit. All in the name of “funding bitcoin purchases.” Heaven preserve us. 🥔
In Which KULR Places Its Fate (and $20M) Beneath the Cloak of Coinbase
It was announced this Tuesday, perhaps somewhere near St. Petersburg, that KULR Technology Group Inc., in their infinite modern wisdom, accepted a generous line of credit—$20 million, no less—from Coinbase Credit Inc., a subsidiary of Coinbase Global Inc. There is talk, loud and eager, of a “multi-draw loan” (consider, dear reader, the poetic horror of borrowing to buy imaginary coins).
KULR, in tones reminiscent of generals describing plans for a campaign that will surely go awry, announced their intention to use these funds to “strategically accumulate bitcoin.” Coinbase’s Prime platform—something KULR selected in 2024—will be the appointed custodian, because if you can’t trust a global exchange with your invisible assets, whom can you trust? Truly, the future is now, and the world is sometimes very silly. 🥸
“This is our first bitcoin-backed credit facility!” declared CEO Michael Mo, with the giddy enthusiasm of a child who has just discovered both mud and a means to fling it upon others. Non-dilutive capital at “a competitive rate,” he boasts—mere words behind which tremble entire fortunes, futures, and, one suspects, a small army of accountants staring into the existential void.
Let it be known: amounts borrowed are secured by KULR’s own stash of bitcoin, because who needs reliable collateral when you have imagination and a blockchain? O! Eight of the ten largest public companies holding bitcoin do likewise, our modern Boyars and Dukes in digital frock coats, clutching their passwords like Cossacks the reins of wild horses.
For the record, KULR is traded on NYSE American as KULR—a firm that, instead of constructing great wooden churches or defending borders, creates energy storage for aerospace and defense, and now, evidently, for the enrichment of cryptocurrency portfolios. Their fateful decision to make bitcoin a “primary treasury asset” in late 2024 may yet stand alongside other historic misjudgments—like marching on Moscow in winter. ❄️
KULR has solemnly vowed to devote up to 90% of excess cash to bitcoin acquisition—a gesture so bold that even Anna Karenina would have raised an eyebrow before jumping in front of that metaphorical train. The credit facility, much like fate, awaits only the nod of bureaucratic approval. 📝
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2025-07-09 01:04