Is Elon Musk Secretly Hiding Crypto Powers Inside The X Super App?

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In the tepid half-light of modern speculation, where men’s souls are clouded by algorithms and tokens fluctuate like the fortunes of the Russian peasant, Anthony Scaramucci, a financier of some repute and rare mustache, declaimed his beliefs. He suggested that the ever-restless Elon Musk, a man who sleeps only as the czars once napped—fitfully, and with one eye open—would soon integrate the enigmatic specter of cryptocurrency into the great engine-room of X, his fabled “super app.” The precise gears of this grand machinery are shrouded, as if Count Bezukhov himself devised them while sipping too much kvass.🔮

One can imagine the conversation, if it were set upon the cold steppe, illuminated only by the dying embers of hope and the glare of Musk’s Twitter avatar. Scaramucci, in an interview oddly lacking fur hats, confessed, “Though I have not communed with Elon in person (he is, after all, orbiting Mars or designing a catapult), I do possess a private investor’s insight.” His gaze, sharp as a landowner’s at dawn, turns toward SpaceX, xAI, and the indomitable X. “I do converse with those nestled in warmth inside the management dacha, though I lack even a shred of Tesla to call my own.”

Of Crypto, Musk, And Historical Inevitability

History, as Tolstoy himself might mutter under his beard, is neither moved by kings nor cows, but by infinite little conversations. From these, Scaramucci foresees: Musk, unsatisfied with mere duels on the field of internet insults, shall soon return to build something that, like Napoleon’s plans for Moscow, will either transform civilization—or leave it mildly charred. “Expect X-XL, or X-who-knows-what, to become a super app,” Scaramucci intones, “brimming with crypto as a Russian cauldron overfilled with beetroot. What kind? Ah, that is for future scholars to debate.”

Stable-coin, his own coin, a coin shaped like a dog—these ripple through Scaramucci’s imagination. Maybe Musk will mint a coin that is legal tender only if you tweet seven times at dawn. Despite previous pronouncements that “none of his companies will ever” touch the occult arts of bespoke crypto, the question endures: will he, like Pierre, renounce his fortune, or simply invent a new one? Shall we see Bitcoin, Dogecoin, a coin for despotic AI? Or perhaps just a commemorative token featuring Musk astride a rocket, wearing a fur hat, and looking pensive?

Recall, Musk’s appetites are vast—last year, he yearned to create “the biggest financial institution in the world,” echoing China’s WeChat, whose power over payments would make Mother Russia blush. The partnership with Visa? Just the first shovelful of dirt on the road to serfdom—er, super appdom! The X Money Account was announced, thus enabling folk to transfer funds as effortlessly as Tolstoy’s peasants bemoaned their earthly burdens.

Scaramucci, never one to let a microphone escape unbroadened, also lauded the Trump administration for their crypto-friendliness, a phrase which in Imperial Russia would have landed one in exile. “Crypto-supportive, pro-crypto regulation,” he claims, without once mentioning serfs or duels. And, as befits these end times, he declares Bitcoin is both a bulwark against inflation and a dashing risk asset: “Now it trades like gold—but with more volatility, and probably less actual utility.” All thanks to Wall Street’s relentless ETF sales, which, one must assume, are conducted with the same grace as a ballroom waltz gone wrong.

At the perilous moment of writing, Dogecoin lay like a wounded animal, trading for $0.177—a small sum, but, in the right hands, perhaps the seed of a fortune large enough to tempt even the coldest oligarch.

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2025-05-02 06:13