Internet Computer: Still Here, Somehow

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The year is 2026. A perfectly ordinary year, really, if you ignore the unsettling feeling that reality itself is a temporary construct maintained by a committee of slightly bored quantum physicists. And in this perfectly ordinary year, finding a cryptocurrency that isn’t actively attempting to disprove the laws of thermodynamics is proving remarkably difficult. Bitcoin, that venerable digital relic, is down 5% for the year, which, considering its age, is less a dramatic crash and more a gentle settling. It’s dragging everything else down with it, naturally. Gravity, you see, applies even to speculative assets.

But then there’s Internet Computer (ICP). It’s… up. A modest 2% for the year. Which, in a market resembling a digital demolition derby, is approximately equivalent to discovering a functioning tea kettle on the Titanic. So, is it worth a closer look? Or is it simply a statistical anomaly, a blip in the cosmic background radiation of the crypto universe? Let’s investigate, shall we? (Though, frankly, the universe probably has more pressing concerns.)

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Internet Computer’s five-year chart

Those with a longer memory – and a high tolerance for regret – may recall the brief, incandescent glory of Internet Computer during the 2020-2021 crypto exuberance. It soared, briefly, to a peak of $750. An impressive number, until you consider that a moderately priced toaster oven can provide years of reliable service for the same amount. Then it… didn’t. It plummeted, with the grace of a lead balloon attempting ballet. By the end of 2021, it was trading for less than $30. A harsh lesson in the fleeting nature of digital fortunes.

For the past few years, it’s been… flatlining. Currently trading at just under $3, it represents a 99.5% decline. Which is, statistically speaking, almost 100%. A curiously precise number, really. (One wonders if there isn’t a rounding error somewhere in the fabric of spacetime.)

Observe, if you dare, the five-year chart. It’s a visual representation of hope slowly being crushed under the weight of reality. A cliff, followed by a remarkably persistent plateau of… nothingness. Zero signs of life. It’s less a chart and more a geological survey of despair.

So, skepticism is, shall we say, warranted. A 2% return in 30 days is hardly cause for celebration, especially when it’s built on a foundation of 99.5% loss. It feels suspiciously like a dead cat bounce. (A phrase that, incidentally, raises far more questions than it answers. What does one do with a bouncing dead cat?) Which explains why nobody’s talking about it. It’s the digital equivalent of a forgotten sock in the back of the laundry room.

Is AI a possible catalyst?

However, there’s a glimmer of… something. A potential catalyst for resurrection. And, predictably, it involves artificial intelligence (AI). The current darling of the tech world. The solution to all our problems, and the source of several new ones. (It’s a bit like inventing a self-folding laundry basket. Brilliant in theory, catastrophic in practice.)

In any list of popular AI cryptos, Internet Computer tends to appear. CoinMarketCap ranks it third, CoinGecko fourth. Apparently, it’s considered a contender. This is because Internet Computer is emphasizing AI-powered applications that can run on its blockchain. There’s even a no-code platform called Caffeine. A name that suggests a level of energetic innovation that the chart, sadly, doesn’t quite support. It aims to make AI app development easier. Which is a noble goal, assuming anyone actually wants to develop AI apps on a blockchain that looks like it’s actively trying to disappear.

Perhaps more investors should be talking about it. High-profile investors like Cathie Wood have highlighted the potential intersections between AI and blockchain. Perhaps Internet Computer is part of this trend. Or perhaps it’s a particularly persistent mirage in the desert of digital finance.

I remain skeptical of failing cryptocurrencies attempting to reinvent themselves based on whatever happens to be the flavor of the month. AI is the flavor of the month. And I simply can’t ignore that remarkably depressing five-year chart. For now, I’m avoiding Internet Computer and looking elsewhere for my exposure to artificial intelligence. There are, after all, other socks in the laundry room. And some of them might even match.

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2026-02-04 00:13