I tried to become a sewer-dwelling rat boy in Oblivion Remastered, but please move past that because I just realized I’ve been playing Oblivion wrong for 15 years

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Ever since I delved into The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion Remastered, its sewers have been irresistibly beckoning me. Just as goblins might yearn for the depths of cool caves and hidden mountain retreats after a long day of sneak-attacking merchants, I’ve always found myself inexplicably drawn to the subterranean realms. It’s a pull that’s been with me as far back as my gaming memory goes. Some part of me can’t quite explain it; all I can say for sure is that there’s an enigmatic allure about venturing beneath the earth, about exploring tunnels that intertwine like an unseen world beneath the familiar surface, that captivates a primitive part of my psyche.

Growing up, I often dreamt about constructing a secret tunnel under my backyard. Every manhole cover seemed like a gateway to an extraordinary means of travel, concealed pathways for hypothetical rodent-like creatures who had mastered bipedal walking. As I grew older, my fascination with hidden passages persisted. I continue to design homes in Terraria and Minecraft that cling to hillsides, maintain a soft spot for Final Fantasy 12’s Garamsythe Waterway, and find the concept of navigating through sewers (in video games or reality) intriguing.

What I meant to convey is: When the allure of Oblivion Remastered became irresistible, it was inevitable that I would give in. My intention was to dive right in, but I found myself halted, astonished at the revelation that I had been incorrectly playing Oblivion’s lockpicking mini-game for more than 15 years.

Gimme shelter

Initially, I intended to spend an entire day dwelling within Imperial City, setting out to accomplish a few objectives during that duration. These included mapping out the complete network of sewers, delving into the source of my affinity for all things dwarflike, and discovering how much wealth could be amassed by burglarizing homes with underground connections to these subterranean passages. I was also determined to institute regular meals and rest periods, in an attempt to replicate authentic subterranean living as accurately as possible.

Initially, there were multiple unsuccessful attempts. To avoid revisiting the tutorial, I decided to begin my adventure through a city grating instead of the riverside tunnel you usually exit from after leaving the sewers. For hours within the game, I burglarized homes in search of an entrance, but each basement I explored had no access to the sewers. By 8pm, I was underground, but even then, it led me nowhere due to a closed sluice gate. So, we’re back on the surface.

As I delved deeper into my gaming world, I found myself slipping into a rhythm of casual burglary, breaking into endless rows of houses in pursuit of that tantalizing loot. Cities morphed into districts, and I’ve picked more locks than any lifetime of Thieves Guild quests in Oblivion Remastered could ever provide. Somewhere along this journey, one of the universe’s greatest enigmas started to unravel. Although I’ve always pondered how lockpicking works in Oblivion, I’ve never really sought the answer. My go-to method – to just intuitively feel my way through the mini-game – had a decent success rate, but it was purely instinctual and relied on a gut feeling for when to click a tumbler into place.

As I attempted to pick what seemed like every lock in Imperial City, patterns started to emerge. Every time I pushed a tumbler upward, it moved at a unique pace, and each successful click corresponded with a specific, slower-moving animation of the tumbler bouncing up. It struck me that to minimize risk and avoid relying on quick reflexes, one could just push each tumbler repeatedly until it moved at its slowest pace. I decided to try this theory out on The Best Defense’s front door, and when it worked without losing a lockpick, I made a beeline for the locked basement door without even taking time to rifle through the shelves of armor. Just seconds later, the next door stood open. It’s astonishing that it has taken me over a decade to figure out how lockpicking works.

To many players of Oblivion, whether seasoned veterans or fresh beginners, discovering this might be similar to watching a toddler piece together the alphabet. I can almost hear some of you thinking, “Of course!” (Please note that saying such things to toddlers is not recommended). However, for those who are more forgiving and perhaps even a tad pleased for me, let me share my experience: When I managed to get into The Best Defense’s basement and locate one of the elusive sewer grates I had been seeking, I was beyond excited to explore its mysteries. A whole new realm unfolded before me – not the grimy world of rats, filth, and narrow tunnels that I had initially set out to discover, but a place where the quests for Oblivion Remastered’s Dark Brotherhood and Thieves Guild became remarkably more accessible. The potential adventures awaiting!

Dearest sewers, I promise to return for you. In my quest, I stumbled upon an unconventional club, the Van Helsings, while exploring secret passages in Imperial City. They’ve given me a partially formed idea to become a vampire hunter. Despite this newfound power that feels like being powerful 19 years too late, I’m satisfied for now with my acrobatic stealth maneuvers above ground.

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2025-05-01 18:40