How Bitcoin Became the U.S. Government’s Most Precious “Pet Rock”

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In the twilight of human folly and fleeting certainties, one man dared proclaim the present moment as a turning point for bitcoin—a treasure that now carries fewer shadows of peril than before.

Michael Saylor: The Man Who Swears the U.S. Would Rather Guard Bitcoin Than Grandma’s Silverware

On a day not unlike the rest, the firm once known as Microstrategy—now bearing the plainer banner of Strategy—announced it had procured 15,355 units of that most curious digital gold, BTC, swelling their hoard to a staggering 553,555 coins. This is a man and a company who gaze upon bitcoin not as a fickle mistress but as a steadfast companion. In a recent exchange of words, the Strategy patriarch expounded on why this strange artifact deserves one’s trust and perhaps even one’s fortune.

“This is, as one might call it, a historic entry point,” Saylor pronounced from the grand stage. “Much of the peril that once clung to this asset like a troublesome ghost has now departed. Wall Street shall bow, the United States government shall nod in approval… and so, too, shall the banks, like dutiful children awaiting the school bell.”

He continued with the solemnity of a man forecasting the coming storm (or sunlight, depending on how you squint):

“You see, despite all this, the market shivers at tales of tariffs and the economic wind’s caprice, fretting over the dance of interest rates skimming 30, 40, 50 basis points in a macabre ballet. Yet, when this delicate balance tips, beware! Bitcoin shall surge forward with a vengeance—like a wolf unleashed after a long winter’s sleep.”

The inquisitor conceded that while Wall Street’s interest grows by the hour, a certain breed of advisers—decorated in suits but clad in doubt—remain on the sidelines. Wandering through the bustling conference like a curious philosopher watching a peculiar circus, the interviewer observed advisors enchanted yet trapped in hesitation. They yearned for Saylor’s wisdom on assuaging the lingering dread in recommending a digital enigma as part of their clients’ portfolios.

Saylor, with the assured tone of an apostle proclaiming gospel, declared that bitcoin enjoys a singular endorsement—the rarest of political blessings. “No other asset in the chronicles of modern America,” he said, “has been so openly cherished by a sitting president. The 21st century boasts but one such marvel: bitcoin. A president who does not merely counsel, but insists, ‘Do not sell your bitcoin.’ More boldly still, that the United States itself shall not part with its own.”

With a flourish worthy of a grand finale, the Strategy chief concluded:

“Consider the others: art, land, securities. Should the government seize them, they’d sell without a second thought. But bitcoin? That defies the rulebook. It stands alone as the asset the U.S. government refuses to auction off, even when gripped by seizure.”

And so, dear reader, amidst these proclamations, one might wonder if bitcoin has risen beyond mere currency, evolving instead into America’s quirkiest keepsake—valued, unyielding, and perhaps a little bit absurd. 🐺💰

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2025-04-28 17:59