Hims & Hers: The Glitch in the Machine

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Seventy percent in the toilet. Sixty percent evaporated in the last three months. Hims & Hers (HIMS +2.75%). A goddamn freefall. Last night’s earnings report? A flimsy parachute in a hurricane. I’ve seen more promising vital signs on a three-day-old trout. This isn’t investing, people, it’s a goddamn autopsy in progress.

The FDA, bless their bureaucratic hearts, decided to unclog the Wegovy and Ozempic pipeline. Suddenly, the gravy train for Hims & Hers’ compounding operation hit a brick wall. The writing? It wasn’t on the wall, it was SCRAWLED across the sky in neon, screaming “GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!” I smelled it coming months ago, a faint whiff of desperation mixed with the sweet scent of impending doom.

Novo Nordisk (NVO 1.21%) and Eli Lilly (LLY 1.28%), those titans of pharmaceutical excess, decided to play nice with the pricing, hacking away at the margins like a machete through jungle vines. Eighty percent! Eighty percent! That’s not competition, that’s a goddamn declaration of war. Hims’ growth slowed to a crawl, a pathetic wheeze in the fourth quarter. The air is thick with the stench of bad decisions.

Hims & Hers: The Numbers, or What’s Left of Them

They “beat earnings,” they said. $0.08 a share. A goddamn nickel and a dime. Missed on sales, naturally. $617.8 million versus the Wall Street dream of $618.7 million. A rounding error in the grand scheme of things, but a harbinger of the chaos to come. Twenty-eight percent growth, they crowed. A pathetic illusion. Last year? Fifty-nine percent. Cut in half. HALVED! It’s like watching a once-mighty beast slowly bleed out.

And the projections for 2026? A desperate gamble. $2.8 billion in sales, they insist. A fantasy built on vapor and wishful thinking. First quarter? $600-625 million. Missing analyst expectations of $654 million. The stench of desperation is overwhelming. Investors dumped the stock, naturally. Down eight percent. A slow, agonizing death. And the FDA looming, threatening to shut down the whole operation? It’s a goddamn bloodbath.

But here’s the twist, the dark underbelly of this whole mess. Copycat Ozempic isn’t the whole story. It’s a symptom, not the disease. Hims & Hers is a hydra, and you chop off one head, another one grows back. It’s unsettling, frankly. A pharmaceutical Frankenstein.

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Beyond the GLP-1 Mirage

Their 10-K filing? A carefully constructed narrative of growth. Fifty-nine percent increase in sales, from $1.5 billion to $2.3 billion. Forty percent of that from the Hers brand, fueled by the GLP-1 frenzy. But listen closely: “The majority of our total United States Revenue came from non-GLP-1 offerings.” A carefully worded statement, designed to lull you into a false sense of security.

Bill Newby, the head of investor relations, went even further. “The vast majority of the revenue is made from the non-GLP-1 business.” A blatant attempt to downplay the impending disaster. They’re hiding something, I can feel it in my bones. It’s a shell game, a carefully orchestrated deception. They want you to believe everything is fine, while the ship is slowly sinking.

What does this mean for us, the vultures circling the carcass? Management is coy about the exact percentage of sales from the copycat Ozempic. Whatever it is, they claim they can still hit $2.8 billion this year. A bold claim, considering the GLP-1 business is crumbling around them. The more they made from those drugs last year, the more impressive the growth rate needs to be to reach that target. A mathematical impossibility, frankly. A delusion of grandeur.

Despite the GLP-1 fiasco, Hims & Hers stock is still growing, albeit slowly. The younger you are, the more time you have to ride this rollercoaster. But be warned: this isn’t a smooth ride. It’s a chaotic, unpredictable, and potentially disastrous journey. Buckle up, because it’s going to be a wild one. And for God’s sake, don’t forget your barf bag.

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2026-02-26 15:22