Patience in investing? A cruel joke, really. But some stocks make it easier to pretend I’m not just waiting for the next market tantrum. High-yield dividends, you say? Don’t get me started-they’re the financial equivalent of a free cup of coffee after a long day of crying into your portfolio. Here are five I’ll hold for a decade or until I’m too old to remember why I’m doing this. Or maybe until 6G turns us all into cyborgs. Either way.
1. AbbVie
AbbVie (ABBV) is the pharmaceutical equivalent of a trust fund kid who actually studied for exams. When Humira’s patent cliff loomed, one might think they’d be scrambling for a life vest. But no-AbbVie just sipped chamomile tea and said, “Actually, I’ve got a whole cabinet full of other drugs.” Losing 60% of revenue? Not a problem. They’ve reinvented themselves with R&D and acquisitions like a Bond villain who’s also a philanthropist. Dividend growth? A 310% surge since 2013. At this rate, I’ll be retired before they run out of ideas. Or maybe not. History has a way of messing with all of us. Especially me.
2. Enbridge
Enbridge (ENB) is the energy sector’s version of your reliable, slightly boring friend who never texts back. Their pipelines? They move 30% of North American crude and 20% of U.S. natural gas. You could call them the circulatory system of fossil fuels-or just thank them for keeping the lights on while you binge-watch Netflix. And here’s the kicker: they’re investing in renewables. Because even dinosaurs evolve, apparently. Their 5.71% yield is a sweetener, but 30 consecutive dividend hikes? That’s the kind of loyalty that makes you question whether you’ve ever truly loved anyone else. Or anything else. Even your Netflix.
3. Enterprise Products Partners
Enterprise Products Partners (EPD) is Enbridge’s less chatty cousin. Same midstream energy game, but with 50,000 miles of pipeline instead of a gas utility. Oh, and it’s a limited partnership. That means tax paperwork so convoluted it could make a CPA weep. But here’s the thing: their 6.82% distribution is the financial equivalent of finding a $20 bill in an old jacket pocket. And 27 years of consecutive increases? That’s not just consistency-it’s a masterclass in not panicking when the world burns. Or when your ex sends a passive-aggressive text about your retirement portfolio.
4. Realty Income
Realty Income (O) has been playing the REIT game since 1994. That’s two decades before I learned how to spell “dividend.” Their triple-net-lease model? It’s like renting out a billboard but with fewer existential crises. Tenants pay for everything, and Realty Income just collects rent like a landlady who’s also a yoga instructor. Europe‘s $8.5 trillion market? A goldmine if you ignore the fact that Brexit still exists. And that monthly dividend? A 5.55% yield that’s like a tiny paycheck every month. Perfect for pretending you’re financially stable while secretly buying a second home in a town you’ve never visited. Just me?
5. Verizon Communications
VZ”>
So there you have it. Five stocks that will either make me rich or teach me how to write a compelling obituary. Probably the latter. But hey, at least the dividends will cover my therapy bills. Or at least the coffee. 🤷♀️
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2025-08-31 12:25