German Cops Nab Crypto Stash the Size of a Small Moon—Shut Down eXch Exchange!

by

In a coordinated event worthy of at least three confused Vogons and a malfunctioning Improbability Drive, the Frankfurt am Main Public Prosecutor’s Office, armed with the Central Office for the Combat of Internet Crime (ZIT) and the BKA (Federal Criminal Police Office—not to be confused with the BFK—Bureau for Furtive Knitting), announced: Germany’s eXch crypto exchange is, for lack of a digital term, extremely offline. 💥

On April 30th, a day that will probably be remembered by nobody except the eXch tech team, officers swept in faster than a quantum algorithm on a triple espresso, bagging both the exchange’s mighty server infrastructure and about €34 million (~$38.5 million) in crypto loot. A truly stellar haul, unless you’re the kind who misplaces their wallet keys. 🔑

Why eXch Got Disconnected (and Possibly Demagnetized)

In what passes for German bureaucratic excitement, a May 9th press release itemized the zoo-of-crypto now in custody: Bitcoin (BTC), Ethereum (ETH), Litecoin (LTC), and Dash (DASH). Also, enough data to fill over eight terabytes, which, in digital terms, is slightly less than the total volume of cat photos uploaded every Tuesday. 🐈‍⬛

“Once again, we have been able to seize millions of euros’ worth of illicit cryptocurrencies and shut down a digital money-laundering platform. The scale of these operations clearly shows that cybercrimes are being committed on an industrial level,” claimed Carsten Meywirth, who probably drinks his coffee black and his blockchain transparent.

This all came after rumors that eXch, with the sort of privacy focus that would make Zaphod Beeblebrox jealous, was being used for laundering money faster than a hyperspace spin cycle. The platform reportedly ran without those pesky Know Your Customer (KYC) protocols, and was accessible on both the Clearnet and the Darknet—which is a bit like hosting your living room on the same block as a lion’s den and inviting in anyone with broadband.

Apparently, eXch’s marketing strategy was to wave a big neon sign on criminal forums saying, “Absolutely no anti-money laundering here!” Users could stay as anonymous as the inventor of sarcasm and have their data stored precisely nowhere—or perhaps in the same place all those lost odd socks from the laundry end up.

German digital detectives say eXch helped move about $1.9 billion in crypto since launch, which is enough to buy several luxury towels and, if you bargain hard, maybe a secondhand spaceship. Suspicion abounds that a generous helping of these Bitcoins were born on the wrong side of the intergalactic tracks.

In related mayhem, eXch is suspected of laundering a hefty slice of the $1.5 billion that vanished in the infamous Bybit hack—allegedly the handiwork of North Korea’s Lazarus Group, who specialize in stealing things and having very little sense of humor. Over 400,000 ETH were spirited away from Bybit’s cold wallet, proving once again that nothing in the universe is truly safe, except perhaps bureaucracy.

According to that oracle of blockchain sleuths, ZachXBT on Telegram: “eXch was used to launder hundreds of millions from the Bybit hack, Multisig hack, FixedFloat exploit, $243 million Genesis Creditor theft, and countless phishing drainer services over the past few years with refusal to block addresses and freeze orders.” If this was a résumé, it would impress only criminals and severely disappoint your grandmother. 🕵️‍♂️

Caught in this enormous galactic net of allegations, eXch tried an “It’s not you, it’s the hostile environment” maneuver. On May 1st, they announced a voluntary closure (or, depending on your interpretation, they were simply the last to leave and turn out the lights), citing relentless intercontinental pressure and a widespread failure to see the fun part of alleged money laundering.

“The goals we certainly never had in mind were to enable illicit activities such as money laundering or terrorism, as we are being accused of now. We also have absolutely no motivation to operate a project where we are viewed as criminals. This doesn’t make any sense to us,” lamented eXch’s April 17th announcement, possibly while shaking their collective digital heads in disbelief.

Unfortunately for eXch, the authorities stormed the bridge one day early, seizing everything but the sarcasm—though rumors persist they tried. They’ve gathered loads of evidence, clues, and perhaps a misplaced sandwich. So far, the Frankfurt Prosecutor’s Office is playing “mysterious and silent,” with no further details about charges or arrests, possibly enjoying the suspense or just stuck in a meeting that could have been an email. 🕵️‍♀️📁

Read More

2025-05-09 15:56