FTX’s $7.1B Payout: A Comedy of Errors and Early 2026 Encore! 🎭💸

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Well, I say, old bean, it appears the FTX saga continues to unfold with all the finesse of a three-legged gazelle attempting the tango. According to the chap in charge, Sunil Kavuri (a name that rolls off the tongue like a well-oiled cricket bat), the bankrupt exchange has doled out a cool $7.1 billion in three rounds. Jolly good show, what? 🧐✨

Mind you, it’s taken nearly three years to reach this stage, which is about as speedy as a tortoise with a hangover. The crypto exchange, which went belly-up in November 2022, has been a veritable quagmire of financial shenanigans and legal tomfoolery. 🕰️💔

January Jingles: The Next Payout Looms

Kavuri, in his latest missive on the old X (formerly known as Twitter, for those of us still stuck in the last decade), revealed that FTX sprinkled $454 million on February 18 to claims under $50,000, followed by a whopping $5 billion payout on May 30. Not to be outdone, a third tranche of $1.6 billion was handed out on September 30. Blimey, that’s enough to make a chap’s head spin faster than a bowler on a sticky wicket! 🤑🎢

Apparently, the total FTX assets are sitting pretty at around $16-17 billion, and the next distribution round is penciled in for January 2026. Mark your calendars, chaps, but don’t hold your breath-it’s all pending a record date confirmation in December. 📅🤞

This news comes hot on the heels of the FTX Recovery Trust withdrawing its request to restrict payouts to creditors in nearly 50 foreign jurisdictions, including China, Saudi Arabia, Russia, and Ukraine. Seems they faced a bit of a backlash, which is about as surprising as rain in London. ☔🌍

But fear not, for the drama is far from over! The convicted founder, Sam Bankman-Fried (or SBF, as the cool kids call him), is still attempting to stir the pot from his cozy federal prison cell. The chap’s got more front than Brighton, I tell you. 🕵️‍♂️🔥

SBF: The Gift That Keeps on Giving

Earlier this month, SBF popped up like a bad penny to question the motives of the bankruptcy estate and suggest that FTX’s collapse was less about fraud and more about sabotage or bureaucratic bungling. Oh, the cheek of it! 😏🤥

Even this week, he chimed in on a satirical post accusing current CEO John J. Ray III of keeping a “perfectly solvent” platform in bankruptcy to line his pockets. SBF’s response? “This is basically what happened.” Good grief, the man’s got more nerve than a toothless lion! 🦁💼

Naturally, this triggered a backlash faster than a dropped teacup at a garden party. On-chain investigator ZachXBT demanded he explain the alleged $40 million payment to Chinese authorities, while venture capitalist Adam Cochran pointed out that SBF remains as unrepentant as a cat caught in the cream. 🐱🍰

And let’s not forget the 14-page document SBF’s dormant X account posted, claiming FTX “was never insolvent” and could have been sitting on a $136 billion portfolio today if not for those meddling lawyers. Legal experts and former creditors were quick to point out that this narrative is about as credible as a chocolate teapot. 🍫🫖

So there you have it, old sport. The FTX saga continues to be a rollicking farce, complete with payouts, prison musings, and enough drama to fill a Wodehouse novel. Stay tuned for the next installment-it promises to be a doozy! 🎭🍿

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2025-11-11 10:33