Figure Technology Solutions, a blockchain enterprise with the audacity to believe it can digitize mortgages without a single teacup of sense, is currently plotting to extract a cool half-a-hundred-and-twenty-six million dollars from the public in its IPO. The company, which now fancies itself worth four billion three hundred million dollars (a figure that would make a Victorian earl weep into his cravat), has declared its intention to sell 21.5 million shares at a price range of eighteen to twenty dollars apiece. A mere trifle, of course, for those who still believe in “the future” or whatever it is they whisper into crypto wallets these days.
According to the ever-reliable Bloomberg, the company has filed with the SEC, a bureaucratic formality that will presumably be completed by September 10th, assuming no one accidentally deletes the paperwork while binge-watching cat videos. Existing shareholders, meanwhile, are offering 4.9 million of their own shares to the wolves circling like vultures at a garden party. One imagines them whispering, “Trust us, it’s just a temporary loss of your life savings.”
The company’s revenue for the first half of the year-ninety-one point nine million dollars-has apparently caused a stir, though it remains to be seen whether this is due to actual business acumen or the sheer force of optimism. Back in 2021, Figure was valued at three billion two hundred million dollars, a number that now seems quaint, like referring to a “smartphone” as a “telegram with attitude.”
Originally, Figure was a humble provider of digital home loans, a service so revolutionary it required no blockchain. But then, in a fit of what can only be described as technological bravado, it added blockchain to everything, claiming it would make lending “easier and faster.” A noble aspiration, though one wonders if it’s faster than a vicar’s sermon on the virtues of patience.
The IPO, which will allow new investors to purchase shares in this brave new world (or, more likely, regret), also provides early investors the opportunity to unload their stakes. Bloomberg reports that Figure first confided its public ambitions to regulators last month, a move as subtle as a man in a top hat shouting, “I’m going to be rich!” at a horse race.
In this grand spectacle of capitalism, Figure joins the ranks of other crypto hopefuls. Gemini, that intrepid purveyor of cryptographic wares, has also filed for an IPO, while Kraken, the leviathan of exchanges, aims to raise half a billion dollars by 2026. One suspects the only thing more certain than their success is the inevitability of a midlife crisis involving NFTs. 🚀💸
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2025-09-02 22:56