Ethereum’s Lucky Break? Bitmine’s Billion-Dollar Buyback & the Alchemy of 5%

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In a move that probably made some accountants faint, Bitmine Immersion Technologies announced a $1 billion scheme as if it were just a really fancy sale on a clearance rack.

The master plan, blessed by the board (remember, they get bored too), lets Bitmine purchase shares either on the open market or through clandestine negotiations—because who doesn’t love a little financial espionage? Chairman Tom Lee sagely proclaimed this was all about achieving “the alchemy of 5%” of ETH. Apparently, turning cash into more cash is just that magical.

Bitmine, the wallet that refuses to sleep, holds a hefty $401.4 million in cash—probably enough to buy a small island or at least a hundred very shiny scooters. As of late July, it also held 625,000 ethereum tokens, valued at a cool $2.35 billion. That’s about $3,755 per ETH. Meanwhile, their Bitcoin stash (because why not diversify the chaos) includes 192 BTC worth roughly $22.66 million—$118,021 per ‘bit’ of digital gold, which sounds like a lot until you realize they’re probably just trying to see how much financial chaos they can stir before breakfast. All told, their cash and crypto combined are worth a staggering $2.77 billion—enough to buy a small planet or at least a really fancy yacht.

The company’s grand total of fully diluted shares is 121,739,533, each with a net asset value of $22.76—because apparently, even stocks have their own math crisis.

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2025-07-29 16:57