Eric Trump and the Glittering Bitcoin Bonanza: Wall Street Never Looked This Fabulous

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Ah, Bitcoin—the modern fool’s gold! American Bitcoin, a digital mining outfit with all the quiet subtlety of a fireworks factory, has elected to go public via a swoon-worthy merger with Gryphon Digital Mining. The announcement on May 12 was greeted with the sort of applause one reserves for a bank heist pulled off by a mime. 🎩

The plot? Gryphon Digital Mining, in a love affair not witnessed since Antony whispered sweet nothings to Cleopatra, acquires American Bitcoin in a stock-for-stock embrace. The new entity, draped in the name “American Bitcoin” (because nothing says innovation like recycling), will be governed by a board of directors sporting none other than Eric Trump himself—the Miss Congeniality of the Trump lineage. One must always be wary of boards where the family tree and the boardroom chart are indistinguishable.

In a feat that would make alchemists green with envy, Gryphon Digital Mining’s stock hurtled from a modest $0.52 on May 9 to a positively decadent $2.15—over 313%—in the time it takes a hedge fund manager to schedule the first meeting with his yacht broker. This, of course, according to the ever-reliable prophets at Google Finance.

Not to be outdone by mere rumors, American Bitcoin’s little dalliance with an initial public offering in April proved but a prelude to this dazzling spectacle—because why flirt with one Wall Street fantasy when you can elope with another?

American Bitcoin is chiefly owned by Hut 8, a conglomerate whose interests run from energy infrastructure to the mysterious art of crypto mining and, presumably, the manufacture of unnecessarily complex coffee machines. Hut 8’s CEO, Asher Genoot, declared—without so much as a wink—that American Bitcoin is to become “a purpose-built vehicle for low-cost Bitcoin accumulation at scale.” Such purpose! Such scale! One wonders if they sell tickets for the ride.

“By taking American Bitcoin public, we expect to unlock direct access to dedicated growth capital independent of Hut 8’s balance sheet, while preserving long-term exposure to Bitcoin upside for our shareholders.”

Shareholders: Lords of the Digital Dance Floor

A mere 98% of this glistening new entity shall be handed over to the existing shareholders of American Bitcoin. As for the other 2%—well, what is a bit of intrigue without whispered secrets?

Hut 8, never the type to ghost after one night, will persist in operating American Bitcoin’s digital infrastructure, bound together in a web of commercial agreements. These arrangements, the announcement assures us, will bestow upon Hut 8 the riches of revenue streams that are “stable” and “contracted,” as all good rivers of gold ought to be.

What on Earth, or Cyberspace, is American Bitcoin?

Once upon a time known—less glamorously—as American Data Center, this enterprise was conjured into being by investors including Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump. Such family affairs are best matched only by Russian literature or reality TV.

Post-merger, American Bitcoin appropriated Hut 8’s mining hardware, embarking on a quest to become the world’s most efficient “pure-play” Bitcoin miner. The stated goal: amass a Bitcoin reserve so robust it might just give Fort Knox performance anxiety. Because if one cannot be king, one may as well be the world’s largest digital dragon, sitting atop a glittering mountain of speculative treasure. 🐉💰

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2025-05-12 18:53