Emotionless Traders & The Meme Mayhem: A Satanic Bull Run?

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Behold, dear crypto serfs! A certain Mena Theodorou, co-founder of Coinstash (a name that whispers of crypto alchemy), has declared that those who cling to historical cycles with the fervor of a medieval scribe might yet prosper. “If you’re analytical, follow the patterns, and take an emotionless approach,” he crooned, “you shall triumph in this digital hellscape.” One wonders if he’s ever traded while possessed by a demon—or perhaps he’s just never slept.

Altcoins: The Chaotic Waltz of Fool’s Gold

“I follow the patterns of what’s happened in the past,” Theodorou intoned, as if channeling the ghost of a 14th-century monk who charted the rise and fall of empires with a quill dipped in Bitcoin. He foresees a cycle where Bitcoin ascends to new highs, then collapses like a soufflé, paving the way for altcoins to “catch up and do their little thing.” Imagine a cosmic ballet where Bitcoin pirouettes gracefully before tripping over its own tail, leaving altcoins to perform a drunken jig. 🦄

“Then, within the altseason, you’ll see a memecoin run along the way. At some point, all the memecoins would start to go crazy.”

Indeed, it’s a satanic ritual of emojis and doge references. The altcoins, like a pack of rabid wolves, will howl in unison, chasing the moon while memecoins burst forth like a geyser of nonsense. 🚀

Bitcoin, having recently peaked at $123,100 (a sum that could buy a small island, if you squint), now teeters on the edge of a 7.44% dominance drop. Meanwhile, Ether, the crypto world’s reluctant hero, has risen 20% in the same period, as if to say, “Fine, I’ll play the martyr.” The Altcoin Season Index, a mystical oracle of market whims, has shifted from “Bitcoin Season” to “Altcoin Season”—a whimsical decree from the crypto gods. 🌌

Ether’s Apocalyptic Vision: “Tear the Market a New Asshole”

Arthur Hayes, the heretic prophet of BitMEX, declared on Tuesday that Ether will “tear the market a new asshole,” predicting it could hit $10,000 by year’s end. One can almost see him standing atop a digital Colosseum, brandishing a sword of derivatives and screaming, “Glory to the altcoins!” 🗡️

He claims Ether has been “the most hated large-cap crypto” since Solana’s meteoric rise from the ashes of FTX. A villain’s opera, indeed—where heroes are cast as villains, and villains are celebrated as saints. 🎭

Yet, even in this chaos, Michael Saylor, the messianic figure of Bitcoin maximalism, insists, “Winter is not coming back. We’re past that phase; if Bitcoin’s not going to zero, it’s going to $1 million.” A prophecy so bold it could crack the sky itself. ☄️

Meanwhile, Seamus Rocca of Xapo Bank, a man who speaks with the gravity of a funeral director, warns that a prolonged bear market looms like a shadow. “It doesn’t need a cataclysmic event,” he sighs, as if the mere thought of a 20% drop is sufficient to send us all into the abyss. 🌑

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2025-07-23 09:38