Elon Musk vs WSJ: Nuclear Twitter Blast, Billion-Dollar Meltdowns, and Crypto Drama 😹🚀

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The fog, thick as the bureaucracy of an anonymous committee, hung over the digital tundra of our era. From within, a lone voice—recognizably irrepressible, disturbingly well-caffeinated—howled across the humming wires: Elon Musk, chief constructor of electric dreams and Martian aspirations, would not be replaced so quietly, Comrades. The Wall Street Journal, that old fortress of ink-stained skepticism, had dared to pen a tale so steeped in alleged falsehood it practically fermented.

In a proclamation on X (where the icons now breed like rabbits), Musk called it an “EXTREMELY SERIOUS ETHICS VIOLATION,” presumably while balancing a flamethrower and a Boring Company hat. The accusation: WSJ had labored to ignore a freshly minted (and suspiciously unequivocal) denial from Tesla’s board. The report’s crime? Suggesting the board, agitated by Musk’s wandering political affections and his hobby of collecting side-hustles, was plotting a coup d’état fit for an Agatha Christie novel—just with more sweatshirts and less afternoon tea.

The woman at the top of Tesla’s watchtower, Robyn Denholm, wielding the company’s X account like a Soviet loudspeaker, swiftly declared that recruiters remained uncalled, and Musk’s throne—made, probably, from leftover Cybertruck parts—remained firmly occupied by its original occupant.

It is an EXTREMELY BAD BREACH OF ETHICS that the @WSJ would publish a DELIBERATELY FALSE ARTICLE and fail to include an unequivocal denial beforehand by the Tesla board of directors!

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) May 1, 2025

In What Frozen River Did This Report Surface?

It was not an accident. The woodchipper spat out the WSJ report just as Musk’s threads became entangled with the otherworldly bureaucracy of Trump’s administration, which—like a cryptic Moscow ministry—had knighted him to the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE).
Critics, faces long with exhaustion, grumbled about Tesla’s international image crumbling like a Lada in Siberian winter.

Meanwhile, Tesla’s Q1 numbers arrived bearing tidings fit for a gulag:

  • Profits dropped 71%—a feat requiring the precise choreography of a ballet, or maybe just Twitter addiction.
  • Market value fell by over $800 billion—enough money to buy several small countries, or a week’s groceries in Palo Alto.

Tesla Clings to Bitcoin Like a Siberian to a Hot Stove

Somehow, through this capitalist cold front, Tesla’s diamond hands refused to let go of Bitcoin. Their crypto treasure chest shriveled from $1.076 billion to $951 million, faithfully reflecting Bitcoin’s 11.56% slide—to a cheery $82,514 (which, by Russian standards, might buy you a potato farm and a Lenin bust).

Crypto Oligarchs Cry “Nyet!” to WSJ

Musk was not alone in this circus. From their digital dachas, crypto titans hurled back at WSJ’s reporting like babushkas chasing geese:

On April 12, Binance’s exile-in-chief, Changpeng Zhao (CZ), scoffed at claims he’d snitched on Justin Sun in exchange for gentler treatment at the barbed-wire gates of justice.

“WSJ is really TRYING here. They seem to have forgotten who went to prison and who didn’t,” Zhao wrote in an April 12 X post. “People who become gov witnesses don’t go to prison. They are protected. I heard someone paid WSJ employees to smear me.”

This was not the first thunderbolt. Long ago (March 2023, possibly several ice ages ago by crypto reckoning), Tether dismissed WSJ allegations about fake paperwork and shell games as so outdated and misleading, it was almost retro-chic.

This Is No Mere Moscow Show Trial

The tale now bulges at the seams. What began with one headline now sprawls out—with Musk, crypto czars, and assorted titans calling out what they see as tired, fossilized media groaning under the weight of its own agenda. Musk, meanwhile, juggles Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink, X, xAI, DOGE diplomacy, and, one presumes, at least three existential crises before breakfast.

But for now, the message grilled on the Tesla samovar is simple. The emperor’s not taking off his Neuralink crown any time soon. Board’s orders—until the next tweetstorm. 😏🚗🪤

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2025-05-01 15:37