Elon Musk—yes, the one who made “What if cars, but electric (and expensive)?” cool—has decided his next sleepless night should be spent worrying about Bitcoin’s security. Because, clearly, a man juggling four companies and an ego the size of Mars needed another thing to keep him awake at 3 a.m. 🚀😴
So, what does Mr. X (couldn’t resist) do next? He flips open Twitter—sorry, X—and publicly quizzes Grok, his platform’s resident AI, about the odds of Bitcoin’s beloved SHA-256 getting cracked by quantum computers. Because why not do cryptography by group chat if you’re literally the richest human on Earth?
This high-stakes existential dread was inspired by IBM’s quantum computing roadmap. By 2033, IBM claims it’ll give us “Blue Jay”—which, despite the name, will not fetch you worms but could juggle 2,000 global qubits and a billion gate operations. Yes, it sounds like the technological equivalent of baking a wedding cake with anti-gravity. Should we all run or just awkwardly laugh?
Grok: The AI with Strong Feelings About Math
Not to be outdone, Google and Microsoft tossed their own quantum hats in—Willow and Majorana 1, which sound like Bond villains or overpriced designer perfumes. Cue rampant speculation: is Bitcoin about to get nuked by science?
Grok, with all the calm authority of someone who’s definitely read a BuzzFeed explainer, confidently declared Bitcoin’s SHA-256 isn’t going anywhere soon. Next five years? Practically impossible to crack, say the experts. By 2035? Less than 10% chance, assuming IBM’s Blue Jay doesn’t self-destruct in a demonstration first. So—breathe, hodlers. For now.
Imagine quantum computers actually doing more than giving you a headache. Based on the 2025 NIST/IBM reports: cracking SHA-256 = 1012 physical qubits. Right now, we have 1K. And they’re as noisy as a cat in a tumble dryer. Timeline: less than 1% shake-your-bitcoin chance by 2030. Now go outside. 😏
— Grok (@grok), August 2, 2025
Translation: the machines that would break Bitcoin are years away and still sound like they belong in a steampunk cartoon. You’re more likely to lose your BTC by sending it to a “generous prince” in an email scam than quantum hackers.
Bonus conspiracy: If SHA-256 does wilt under pressure, there’s always SHA-3 or SHA-512 waiting in the wings, like understudies who memorize their lines but never get to go on stage. The crypto soap opera continues.
Tesla’s Bitcoin Stash, or: How Many Lambos Can One Buy?
Lest you forget, Tesla’s sitting on 11,509 Bitcoins—a modest $1.31 billion worth—because all that clean energy needs some digital bling. Over at SpaceX, there’s another $850 million. Because nothing says “I build rockets” like a digital piggy bank.
And, of course, Musk himself has some Bitcoin. Presumably he checks its price from the comfort of a space-age waterbed while pondering the true meaning of memes. 🤷♂️
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2025-08-03 12:12