Look, I’m not one of these “income investors.” Honestly, the term itself feels… presumptuous. Like they’re entitled to a little extra something just for holding a stock. But, fine. Apparently, people like getting dividends. So, I’ve been looking at a couple of these… dividend stocks. AbbVie (ABBV +1.17%) and Mastercard (MA 0.91%). They’ve done okay, I guess. The numbers are… fine. It’s just the whole premise feels… unnecessary. Like a free mint with your check. Who asked for that?
1. AbbVie
This AbbVie thing. They’re a “Dividend King.” A king. Seriously? Like they’re royalty because they’ve been handing out a little extra change for fifty years? It’s just… aggressive. But, okay, they’ve been doing it. Fifty years. It’s impressive, I suppose. It means they haven’t completely messed things up for half a century. That’s… a low bar, isn’t it?
They keep talking about their “pipeline.” Like it’s some sort of… plumbing system for profits. And patent cliffs. What even is a patent cliff? Sounds terrifying. Anyway, they claim they can keep this dividend thing going because they have all these drugs. And if one drug stops making money, they have another one. It’s… logical. Annoyingly so. They’re basically just diversifying their annoyance.
And they buy other companies. Like they’re collecting baseball cards. “Oh, look, another pharmaceutical company to add to my portfolio!” It’s just… excessive. And then they say they’re “resilient.” Resilient to what? To the natural consequences of running a business? It’s like they’re bragging about avoiding responsibility. And the aging population? That’s not a “tailwind,” that’s just… life. Everyone gets older. It’s not exactly a groundbreaking business strategy.
2. Mastercard
Mastercard. They process payments. That’s it. And they get a cut. It’s… efficient. I’ll give them that. But they’re now trying to present themselves as some kind of dividend powerhouse. They’ve increased their payouts by 358% over the last decade. 358%! Who’s counting? And why are they telling me? It feels like they’re trying too hard. Like they’re desperate for my approval.
They don’t actually issue the cards themselves, which is smart, I guess. They just take their little fee. It’s like being a toll booth operator. You don’t have to worry about the cars breaking down, you just collect the money. And they claim they’re “immune to credit risk.” Right. Like the entire financial system isn’t a house of cards. Don’t even get me started.
And this $12.5 trillion “opportunity.” It’s just a number. A big number, sure, but still. They’re talking about converting cash and checks into digital payments. Like it’s some kind of grand mission. People like using cash! Some people! It’s reliable! And Visa. They’re always bringing up Visa. It’s a competition. They’re all just trying to get a piece of the pie. It’s exhausting. And the “network effect?” It’s just… momentum. Things get popular. It’s not rocket science. They’ll probably keep handing out these dividends for a while. Fine. Whatever. It doesn’t mean I like it.
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2026-02-01 14:03