So, everybody’s talking about these “high-yield” dividend stocks. Like it’s some kind of revelation. The S&P 500 is giving you… what? A pathetic 1.1%? It’s insulting, frankly. Like they’re doing you a favor. But fine, okay, you want income. You want a little something for putting your money… somewhere. I looked at a couple. Hormel Foods and Enterprise Products Partners. Don’t ask me why. I just… did.
Hormel: Seriously? Spam?
Hormel. 4.7% yield. Okay, that’s… something. But it’s Hormel. Spam. Lunchables. It’s a company built on… processed meat products. And they’re admitting things aren’t great. “Headwinds,” they call it. Like the wind is personally attacking their bottom line. They brought back the old CEO. The old CEO. Like, “Hey, remember that guy? Maybe he can fix this mess.” It’s… desperate.
They’re bragging about organic sales growing. Growing! Like that’s some monumental achievement. And they can’t even raise prices to cover costs? What are they, afraid of upsetting people? It’s a business! You’re supposed to make money! They increased the dividend by 1%. One percent! After 60 years of doing it! It’s… a gesture. A pathetic, symbolic gesture. A “Dividend King,” they call themselves. Like royalty. It’s absurd. But… fine. It’s a reliable company. I guess. If you’re into… processed meat.
Enterprise Products Partners: Pipelines and… What?
Enterprise Products Partners. Pipelines. Energy. Volatile industry. They’re trying to make it sound complicated. It’s not. They charge people to use their pipes. That’s it. Reliable cash flow. They’ve been increasing their distribution for 27 years. Twenty-seven years! Like they’re expecting a medal. It’s just… staying in business. And they cover the distribution 1.7 times over. So generous.
The problem is, the yield is basically all you’re going to get. Slow and steady. That’s their big selling point? Slow and steady? In this economy? It’s infuriating. It’s like they’re admitting they have no ambition. But okay, fine, if you’re a dividend “lover,” as they call you… you’ll probably be thrilled. Thrilled! With a slow, steady return. It’s… depressing.
So, Options. Fine.
Look, if you really dig around, you can find stocks that pay a little something. Hormel. Enterprise. They’re… there. Get to know them. If you must. Just don’t expect a miracle. And don’t come crying to me when your portfolio is… slow and steady. I warned you. I really did.
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2026-02-07 18:24