Alright, look. The market’s a goddamn casino, and these “no-brainer” dividend stocks? That’s the house offering you a slightly less rigged slot machine. The promise of steady income? It’s a mirage shimmering above the desert of late capitalism. Still, ignoring the yield curve entirely is… irresponsible. Especially when the alternative is staring into the abyss of zero interest rates. So, let’s dive in. But HOLD ON TIGHT, because this ain’t gonna be pretty.
The numbers don’t lie, not entirely. They’re still numbers, manipulated and massaged by guys in suits who haven’t seen sunlight in decades. But the historical data… it suggests a pattern. A faint glimmer of sanity in a world gone mad. Check the table, if you dare. It’s a grim testament to the power of… sustained mediocrity.
| Dividend-Paying Status | Average Annual Total Return, 1973-2024 |
|---|---|
| Dividend growers and initiators | 10.24% |
| Dividend payers | 9.20% |
| No change in dividend policy | 6.75% |
| Dividend non-payers | 4.31% |
| Dividend shrinkers and eliminators | (0.89%) |
| Equal-weighted S&P 500 index | 7.65% |
So, yeah, dividends aren’t just for your grandfather. They’re for anyone who’s realized the game is rigged and is trying to scrape together a few crumbs before the whole thing collapses. A company handing out cash? It means they’ve accumulated enough to avoid immediate implosion. A small comfort, admittedly. Let’s look at a few contenders, shall we? Before the vultures circle.
Pfizer: The Vaccine Hangover
High-yield savings accounts? A joke. Four percent? A pathetic offering to the gods of inflation. Pfizer, though? They’re currently throwing off a dividend yield of 6.81%. A desperate attempt to distract from the looming patent cliffs and the fading glory of their COVID cash cow. But hey, I’ll take it. A fat dividend yield is a beautiful thing, even if it’s built on a foundation of shifting sands.
The stock’s been in the toilet lately, thanks to the waning pandemic and the expiration of key patents. But they’re chasing the holy grail of weight-loss drugs, and that could be a game-changer. Or a spectacular flameout. Either way, it’ll be entertaining. And the P/E ratio? A measly 8.5. A steal, if you ignore the existential dread.
Verizon: The Wireless Fortress
Verizon. The telecommunications behemoth. A dividend yield of 6.93%! Even MORE than Pfizer! They’ve been increasing their payout for 19 years straight, albeit at a glacial pace. A slow, relentless march towards… what exactly? Doesn’t matter. The cash keeps flowing. They own the infrastructure, the fiber optic cables snaking beneath our feet. A modern-day feudal lord, collecting tribute from the masses.
They’re not exactly a growth stock. They’re a cash cow, milking 146 million wireless accounts. They boast more than a million miles of fiber. A network of surveillance and control. They rake in over $130 billion in annual revenue. A terrifying amount of power. And the P/E ratio? 8.2. Cheap. Dangerously cheap.
United Parcel Service: The Package Deliverer
UPS. The brown trucks rumbling through our streets. They’re getting hammered by Amazon, losing package volume left and right. But they still have a massive fleet of aircraft and vehicles. 500-plus planes, 135,000 ground vehicles. They delivered more than 22 million packages every single day in 2024. A logistical nightmare. A monument to consumerism. And they’re paying a dividend yield of 6.1%. A lifeline for the desperate.
The P/E ratio is 14.7, a bit above the others. A sign of weakness. But management is trying to turn things around, cutting costs and adding automation. A desperate attempt to stay relevant in a world of drones and self-driving vehicles. A battle for survival. Buy now, collect the dividends, and pray for a miracle. Because in this game, you need all the help you can get.
So there you have it. Three dividend stocks, clinging to life in a world gone mad. Are they a sure thing? Absolutely not. Are they a better bet than throwing your money into a black hole? Maybe. Probably. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is a casino, remember? And the house always wins… eventually.
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2026-01-17 17:02