Did Bitwise Just Toss Another Crypto ETF at the SEC? You Won’t Believe Which One!

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Oh, look at this—Bitwise, the digital asset manager, is filing for a spot Near ETF with the SEC. Because, you know, when you think, “What does the SEC need right now?” obviously the answer is: “Another crypto ETF filing on that endless pile of paperwork!”

The Bitwise Near (NEAR) ETF is supposed to track NEAR token’s price. So, basically, you buy a piece of paper, and you hope someone else is excited about Near in a week, and you call your mom to brag—classic Wall Street! They filed this on May 6, because there’s nothing like a Monday lost in bureaucracy to get the blood pumping.

Oh, and guess who’s in charge of keeping your money all nice and safe? Coinbase Custody. Ever lose your keys? Imagine that, but with your money. The management fee? The ticker? The exchange? They haven’t said a thing. It’s a surprise party, but you might end up with fruitcake.

And here’s where it gets really fun—they still have to file a 19b-4 to actually get the SEC’s attention. It’s like, “Hey SEC, just signed some more papers! Please notice me!” They already registered a trust in Delaware (because where else?). Paperwork layered on top of paperwork, it’s like lasagna but a little more depressing.

NEAR squeezes onto the SEC’s overcrowded crypto lunch tray

So, how crowded is the SEC’s desk? Let’s just say, if desks could groan, you’d hear this one from space. There are at least a dozen spot crypto ETFs waiting in line for 2025—Litecoin, Dogecoin, Solana, XRP, Cardano, Hedera, Polkadot, Chainlink, Avalanche, Aptos, Sui…pretty soon they’ll need to open another office just to store the forms. (NFTs of the paperwork coming soon—only $20,000 a pop! 🙄)

Bitwise is already playing the field with DOGE, SOL, and XRP ETF applications, as if this is speed dating for blockchains. But wait, they actually have Bitcoin and Ether ETFs, NYSE Arca, $2.35 billion in net inflows—so… someone out there is happy. Probably the guy who never checks his portfolio.

As for NEAR, it’s the 44th largest crypto by market cap, worth $2.73 billion. So not exactly Bitcoin, but hey, top 50—your mom would put that on her fridge. Apparently, NEAR used to be “the Ethereum killer.” Yeah, sure. Who isn’t these days? It’s like every blockchain wakes up, looks in the mirror and says, “Move over, Ethereum!” and then goes back to bed by noon.

With this magical thing called Nightshade sharding, NEAR can supposedly process up to 100,000 transactions per second—because 99,999 just wouldn’t cut it. It’s kept safe by 265 active validators. If that sounds like a lot, I can’t help but think of 265 people trying to agree on pizza toppings.

And in 2024, the NEAR folks decided DeFi is so last season—now it’s all about AI infrastructure, building the “world’s largest open-source large language model.” Because, apparently, there is nothing better for AI than a blockchain that spent last year trying to out-Ethereum Ethereum. Good luck, everybody! 🚀🤷

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2025-05-07 02:55