Crypto’s Revenge: Banks Tremble as White House Drops the Hammer 💸💥

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Oh, the sweet, sweet schadenfreude of it all. Binance’s über-cheerleader, Changpeng Zhao (or CZ, as his groupies call him), is doing a victory lap that would make a figure skater jealous. Why? Because the White House is finally telling banks to stop acting like crypto is the weird kid at the lunch table. 🍱🤓 According to CZ, this is the biggest thing to happen since someone decided Bitcoin was worth more than a sandwich. 🥪✨

CZ’s Crypto Crusade: Banks, You’re on Notice 🚨

Apparently, the White House is drafting an executive order that’ll make banks think twice before giving crypto firms the cold shoulder. (Yes, even you, JPMorgan, with your fancy suits and your “we’re too good for blockchain” attitude.) 🏦😒 The Trump administration-yes, *that* Trump-is leading the charge, threatening to slap banks with fines so hefty they’ll wish they’d just invested in Dogecoin instead. 🐕💰

Meanwhile, Gemini is over here accusing JPMorgan of being the mean girl in this crypto high school drama. 🏫💔 Industry veterans like CZ are popping champagne corks (or, more likely, opening a fresh bag of chips) because they think this could finally get Wall Street to stop treating crypto like a third cousin twice removed. 🍾🍟

CZ himself chimed in, tweeting with the enthusiasm of a kid who just found out Santa’s real: Banks can’t be crypto bullies anymore! 🦸♂️💪 He’s basically the superhero crypto deserves, minus the cape and plus a lot more spreadsheets. 📊🤓

It used to be that corresponding banks in the US block transactions involving crypto (fiat for buying crypto).

This opens banking for crypto internationally.

– CZ 🔶 BNB (@cz_binance) August 5, 2025

If this order goes through, banks that cut off crypto customers for no good reason might as well start writing apology letters in advance. 📝😬 Financial regulators will be on the case, digging through the Equal Credit Opportunity Act, antitrust laws, and consumer protection statutes like they’re hunting for Easter eggs. 🐣🔍 Penalties? Oh, there’ll be penalties. Fines, consent decrees, and probably a few sternly worded emails. 📧💔

White House Draft: Still in the Oven, But Smells Delicious 🍞👃

The Wall Street Journal (yes, the same folks who still use fax machines) reports that the order is still in draft form. It could be signed this week, or it could get pushed back because, you know, bureaucracy. 🗄️🤷♂️ No specific banks are named, but Bank of America is side-eyeing this development like it’s a pop quiz they didn’t study for. 🏦😳

But hey, not all banks are crypto Scrooges. JPMorgan Chase, the same bank Gemini’s beefing with, is now buddy-buddy with Coinbase. They’re rolling out credit cards, account linking, and rewards programs like it’s Black Friday. 🎁💳 Maybe they finally realized crypto isn’t going away, no matter how many times they ignore its texts. 📱😏

Still, let’s not forget the good old days when banks treated crypto platforms like they had cooties. Coinbase and Robinhood were basically sitting at the kids’ table while the big banks feasted on turkey. 🦃🙅♂️ But now? Now it’s crypto’s turn to carve the roast. 🍗✨

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2025-08-05 16:26