Crypto’s Midlife Crisis: VCs Swap Coins for AI Toys 🤑🤖

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Well, well, well. The crypto venture capital scene is about as lively as a retirement home bingo night these days. 🦥 Fourth quarter? More like fourth-and-long for these poor souls. High-profile funding rounds are as rare as a polite comment section on the internet. Kaden Stadelmann, the CTO of Komodo Platform (a name that screams “I’m still relevant, I swear”), told CryptoMoon that the crypto sector is under more pressure than a first-time Tinder date. Apparently, AI has stolen crypto’s lunch money, and VCs are now throwing their cash at chatbots instead of blockchain. 💸🤖

Stadelmann also blamed the economy, because of course he did. “Macroeconomic uncertainty” is just a fancy way of saying, “We’re all winging it.” Meanwhile, Bitcoin ventures are like that one friend who insists on paying in cash-no VCs needed, thanks to their bootstrapping, community-loving ways. Gabe Salinas, CEO of Alamo Labs, put it best: “Bitcoin doesn’t need your fancy VC money. It’s got its own fan club.” 🎩✨

But fear not! There’s still money flowing into the digital plumbing-stablecoins, payment infrastructure, and decentralized trading platforms. Because who doesn’t love a good pipe system? 🛠️💧

Telcoin: Banking on Nebraska’s Blessings 🌽💰

Telcoin, a fintech darling, just snagged $25 million to build a digital asset bank. Why Nebraska, you ask? Because apparently, Nebraska is the new Silicon Valley for crypto banking. 🌽 Their new stablecoin, eUSD, promises to be as exciting as a dollar store but with blockchain flair. Payments, remittances, and probably a few eye rolls from traditional bankers. 👀

Hercle: $60 Million for Faster Payments Than Your Ex’s Rebound 💨💸

Hercle, the über-efficient stablecoin infrastructure company, raised $60 million because who doesn’t love a good cross-border payment? F-Prime led the charge, probably because they’re tired of waiting for their international pizza deliveries. 🍕 Hercle claims 90% of transactions settle in under five minutes-faster than my attention span. 🕒

Momentum: Sui’s DeFi Darling Gets $10 Million 💃🚀

Momentum, the Sui blockchain’s prom queen, raised $10 million at a $350 million valuation. Founded by Wendy Fu (yes, like the soup, but cooler), it’s got 2.1 million users and $22 billion in trading volume. Now they’re going crosschain because why not? 🌉 Compliance features? Sure, if it keeps the regulators off their backs. 🤓

Temple Digital: $5 Million for Trading with a Side of Privacy 🕵️♂️💼

Temple Digital Group raised $5 million to build a trading stack that’s as private as your search history. Order books, tokenization, instant settlement-it’s like a Swiss Army knife for institutional traders. The Canton Network is their playground, and Goldman Sachs is watching. 👀

Arx Research: $6.1 Million for Stablecoin POS Devices 🛒💳

Arx Research is making a POS device that accepts stablecoins and traditional payments. Because why choose between crypto and cash when you can have both? Their Burner Capital device integrates with Flexa, so you can pay with Bitcoin, Ether, or Solana while buying your third coffee of the day. ☕✨

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2025-11-10 21:35