Crypto SURGE?! You Won’t BELIEVE What Happens Next! 🤯

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Bitcoin (BTC), against all odds and despite the gloomy pronouncements of Fed Chair Powell – who, let’s face it, probably uses carrier pigeons for inter-office memos – managed to stay upright on Thursday. This had the rather underwhelming effect of giving the crypto market a gentle nudge, like trying to start a stubborn lawnmower. Among those sputtering to life are Render (RENDER) and Near Protocol (NEAR), apparently convinced they’re the chosen ones.

Total2: Almost There… Maybe? 🤔

Total2, that grand tally of all cryptocurrencies that aren’t Bitcoin (because Bitcoin is too cool to hang out with the others), is still slouching downwards. However, if a sufficiently improbable event occurs – say, a US/China trade agreement forged entirely by trained hamsters – it might just muster the energy to break through that pesky descending trendline. Don’t hold your breath; hamsters are notoriously unreliable negotiators.

$RENDER: Up 9%! (Don’t Get Too Excited) 😒

$RENDER, bless its cotton socks, is up more than 9% on Thursday, strutting around like it owns the place. But as the above daily chart (which you’re probably squinting at) illustrates, any further upward momentum is being actively suppressed by the $3.97 and $4.44 resistances. Think of them as bouncers at the VIP lounge of crypto, and $RENDER is wearing the wrong shoes.

That said, the descending trendline has been breached, which is something, I suppose. And if $RENDER bulls (do these bulls have tiny Render logos on their foreheads?) can somehow smash through the neckline and those aforementioned resistances, a W pattern might materialize. $5.81 is the ‘measured move’, which sounds far more scientific than it actually is.

$NEAR: Last Call at the Crypto Saloon 🍻

$NEAR is clinging to the descending trendline like a desperate tourist clutching their map in a foreign city. It wouldn’t take much to shove it through, resulting in a confirmation on the other side. Up more than 4% on Thursday (so far!), $NEAR bulls need to haul themselves above the horizontal support/resistance level at $2. Failure to do so could spell the end of any vaguely successful bull market for $NEAR. The end, I tell you! The END!

If this *is* the level for a bounce, then the $NEAR price is entering the ‘last chance saloon’. But if a failed rally occurs (which, let’s be honest, is a distinct possibility), it’s not entirely clear what could possibly save this layer 1 going forward. Perhaps a miracle involving trained dolphins and a blockchain-based lottery? Stranger things have happened. 🤷

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2025-04-17 17:05