Crypto Scandals, Mad Dashes, and the Bitcoin That Would Be King 🤴💰

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Picture, if you will, the gallant Bitcoin—forever in pursuit, forever foiled—straining once more to breach the almost mythological $108,000 threshold. It is an amount that dangles just above its head like the crown of England, and like many would-be monarchs, Bitcoin finds itself much admired, somewhat besotted, yet continually boxed about the ears by the fickle blows of the market.

Over the weekend, our dear cryptocurrency made a valiant attempt to rise above its station. Success, alas, proved as fleeting as sincerity at a debutante ball. Today, it nearly caressed the rarefied air of $109,000, only to be reminded by the market’s disapproving aunts—who, in this case, resemble bearish sellers—that one must never aspire above one’s place (unless armed with far more liquidity).

Meanwhile, news trickles in from distant Nippon, where the illustrious house of MetaPlanet, compelled by what can only be described as a severe case of Bitcoin FOMO, purchased a handsome sum of $108,000 worth of the digital delight. Not to be outdone, whispers abound that a certain M. Saylor may grace the proceedings with another purchase, presumably just to see if “strategy” and “impulse buy” can ever be reconciled.

As of this moment, Bitcoin reclines at an agreeable $107,700, lingering in the shallow end of its weekly pool, presumably enjoying a cucumber sandwich and musing whether it shall ever graduate to the deep end.

A thoroughly dignified Bitcoin chart, absolutely terrified of heights.

Altcoins: A Chorus Line of Despair and Jubilation

Perusing the bauble-strewn landscape of altcoins, one observes an ensemble that, for the most part, can’t decide whether it’s attending a funeral or a tea dance. Yet, amid this elegant confusion, one plucky protagonist emerges: Arbitrum’s ARB, catapulting itself 15% into the air like a dandy at Ascot upon discovering his horse isn’t glue-bound.

The source of ARB’s giddy mood? Rumors that Robinhood—the app beloved of bored retail investors everywhere—may deign to weave the Arbitrum network into its own protocol tapestry. To keep things spicy, Robinhood has arranged a fireside chat featuring Ethereum’s ethereal Vitalik Buterin and the suavely monikered A.J. Warner, who possibly wears silk cravats, or at the very least, socks with personality.

The rest of the altcoins are performing with the ambition of Victorian houseplants, save for PENGU, OP, and HYPE, all of whom are up 3.5%, presumably out of jealousy. On the darker side of the ballroom, KAIA, Pi Network (PI), and Mantle (MNT) have taken a tumble, down 6.1%, 5.4%, and 5.7%, respectively; may they find solace at the refreshments table.

Altcoins performing with all the enthusiasm of yesterday’s cucumber sandwiches.

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2025-06-30 13:26