Crypto Plot Twist: Bitcoin’s “Golden Cross” is Practically Pyrite, SHIB is on Life Support

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Bitcoin is trying—oh, it’s really trying. It flashes everyone its shiny new golden cross like a guy at a singles bar showing off a fake Rolex, but who’s buying? Nobody. Not even your grandma after a glass of schnapps. Bitcoin ticked up to $96k only to get a nosebleed and tumble right back to $95,484. No dramatic entrance, no hot volume. Just awkward shuffling and a strong whiff of “please clap.” 🙄

The volume’s wilting, RSI cooled to a nice, toasty 64, and enthusiasm is flatter than my Aunt Myrtle’s kugel. If you’re holding your breath for a rocket launch to the moon, you might want to grab a snack—this could take a while. Momentum’s sagging, so if BTC doesn’t wake up and smell the matzo, the next stop might just be the $91,000 nap zone.

Sure, structurally it’s sitting pretty on the EMAs like a kid who found the grown-up table at Thanksgiving. But where’s the party? Nowhere. ETF flows dried up like humor at a tax seminar. The crowd’s waiting for something—anything—that doesn’t rhyme with “macroeconomic uncertainty.” If nothing new pops up, Bitcoin will just hang between $91,000 and $96,000, loitering like a teenager past curfew. Get popcorn and keep your eyes on that $91,000-$90,000 zone—below it, and we’re all in the bargain bin. But if BTC shakes off the cobwebs, smashes $97,000, and actually brings some volume to the dance floor, maybe—just maybe—it’ll start grooving again.

Shiba Inu‘s Volume: Did Somebody Forget the Dog Food?

SHIB’s trading volume? It’s almost as low as the calories in my mother-in-law’s salad. The “dogecoin killer” is limping along just above $0.00001296, but try finding a pulse on its daily volume—it’s fallen harder than my soufflé in 1983. Volume is the heartbeat, people! And right now, SHIB is about three beeps from flatlining.

The chart says SHIB tried to break out—like a teacup poodle jumping a fence—and failed. RSI? Meh. Momentum slipping. Support at the 50-day EMA about $0.00001274 might catch it for a breather, but let’s be honest: this is a dog taking itself for a walk. If volume stays in “nap mode,” any comeback will probably last about as long as my New Year’s resolutions.

If it loses the EMA, SHIB’s next walk of shame is down to $0.0000120-$0.0000118. Could there be a bounce? Sure, and I could be dating Gisele Bündchen. But, odds are you’ll get more sideways action than a rabbi at a limbo contest.

XRP: Now Appearing on the Edge of a Nerve Wrack

XRP is standing at the edge of a cliff, staring at $2 and mumbling “do I jump or not?” Price is resting at $2.19, volume is sleeping, and the market’s as indecisive as a waiter at Katz’s Deli. There’s a “volatility squeeze” happening—translation: even the rollercoaster operator is yawning.

If XRP drops below $2, it could tumble to $1.99, and nobody wants to see that except maybe rival traders (and my ex-wife, who roots for chaos). The RSI’s so neutral, Switzerland called to say “give us our bit back.” Momentum? About as lively as a plastic plant. Traders are lurking and waiting for a “catalyst”—quicker you find Bigfoot.

Still, if XRP somehow finds its dancing shoes and pops above $2.25-$2.30 with a massive volume encore, the next stop is a dreamy $3. That’d be nice, but “nice” and “crypto” only meet at weddings and funerals. The odds? Eh. The market’s got more mixed signals than a speed-dating night.

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2025-05-05 03:15