Crypto Madness: When Your Dog Coin Gets a PhD in Finance 🐕💸

by

Ripple expands EU regulatory footprint with Luxembourg EMI approval

Ripple, the crypto equivalent of a midlife crisis sports car, just added another regulatory notch to its belt. This time it’s an EMI license from Luxembourg, a country so small it could fit inside Texas’ collective ego. 🇱🇺💸

  • License win. Because nothing says “we’re serious” like getting permission from a nation where the entire population could fit into a moderately popular music festival. 🎟️

Let’s all pause to admire the irony of a San Francisco-based blockchain company conquering Europe while most Americans struggle to open a savings account without being asked if they’ve ever met a llama. Meanwhile, Luxembourg, a place where the financial regulator probably has the same budget as my grocery list, just handed Ripple the keys to the Eurozone. Passporting! Because why let pesky things like oversight ruin the party? 🎉

Shiba Inu prints a rare short-term bullish crossover

SHIB, the digital equivalent of a used tissue, just did the crypto cha-cha-its 23-day SMA crossed above the 50-day SMA. Analysts are calling it a “golden cross” because nothing says glamour like a math equation and a prayer. 🚀📈

  • Bullish setup. Because when your coin’s value is measured in micropennies, even a 22% surge feels like hitting the jackpot. 🎰

At this rate, SHIB holders will be able to afford a cup of coffee by 2035. The 200-day EMA at $0.00001054 is now the “promised land,” a place where dreams go to either flourish or evaporate like morning dew on a crypto Twitter thread. 🌞

XRP defies market outflows with sharp institutional inflow surge

XRP, the crypto that’s always one courtroom drama away from relevance, just surged 428% in inflows while the rest of the market threw up. 🚀💸

  • Institutional netflow. $45.8 million poured in, because nothing says “confidence” like doubling down on a coin that’s been in legal limbo since the Obama administration. 📜

While the rest of crypto was busy hemorrhaging $454 million, XRP became the designated driver. Germany, Canada, and Switzerland propped it up like well-meaning relatives at a family intervention. 🍻 Meanwhile, the U.S. was over here selling everything to afford a down payment on a Tesla. 🚘

Strategy makes $1.25 billion Bitcoin buy, largest in six months

Strategy (formerly MicroStrategy, which is like renaming your cat “Chairman Meow” to sound posh) just bought $1.25 billion worth of BTC. 🐈⬛

  • Bullish BTC move. Because when you’re down $52 billion, why not throw another Hail Mary? 🏈

Bitcoin’s currently trading at $90,547, which is roughly the price of a small island nation. Strategy’s average cost? A mere $75,353. At this rate, their next purchase will be paid for in Monopoly money. 🎲

Read More

2026-01-19 00:53