Crypto Investors Suddenly Remember Money Exists, Stuff $5.5B Into Digital Assets

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Forget cats walking on keyboards—turns out it was just investors sprinting wildly back into digital assets, chucking $2 billion per week into crypto without checking to see if anyone left the oven on. Bitcoin, naturally, hogged the spotlight like a know-it-all at a dinner party, but ethereum, XRP, and—wait, tezos?—slipped in behind, looking slightly confused and hoping no one asked them SAT questions.

Three Weeks of Crypto Joy: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the FOMO 🤖💰

Against all common sense and several stern warnings from their aunts, investors have decided that digital assets are once again in.
According to Coinshares’ weekly report (because you definitely have time to read that), crypto investment products inhaled $2 billion last week alone. If you’d blinked, you’d have missed it, along with your wallet. That brings the three-week total to $5.5 billion, or roughly the GDP of a tiny, heavily bejeweled island. This comes after a long, bleak season of outflows and existential dread, so naturally, sentiment has now pirouetted into full-on, reckless optimism.

Bitcoin was the life of the party, hoovering up $1.8 billion in inflows like a black hole in a gold-plated tuxedo. Bizarrely, some people like to bet against joy itself, sending $6.4 million into short Bitcoin funds (the most since mid-December 2025, back when people still had dignity). Because apparently, hope and schadenfreude are not mutually exclusive.

Source: Coinshares – Proof you’re not hallucinating

Ethereum, not to be outdone, staged a respectable comeback with $149 million in inflows this week. That’s stacking atop a previous $187 million (bear in mind, that’s actual money, not just Monopoly bills). Now we’re up to $336 million for the fortnight—a number so precise, even your math teacher would raise an eyebrow.

Of course, Solana contributed $6 million to the hat—modest enough to pay for, say, two mid-range family sedans—while XRP and Tezos did their best to look competent, collecting $10.5 million and $8.2 million each. No word yet if their parents are proud.

Meanwhile, blockchain equities gathered $15.9 million just to prove they’re still alive. Somewhere, a blockchain-infused toaster got a bonus.

The U.S. led the charge with $1.9 billion in inflows because Americans never met a trend they didn’t want to ride until it bucked. Germany ($47 million), Switzerland ($34 million), and Canada ($20 million) joined in, possibly after misreading the invitation as “bring your own billions.” Assets under management now balloon to $156 billion, which is the most since mid-February—an era some historians call “Tuesday.”

In summary, after three dramatic weeks, the crypto universe is once again aglow with optimism, institutional investors are back like they never stormed out, and somewhere, a blockchain-powered kitchen appliance is quietly plotting world domination. 🚀🛸

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2025-05-06 01:57