Picture, if you will, the bustling crypto bazaar — goblets overflowing with tokens, suspicious merchants lurking in every digital alley, and, above them all, Star Xu, the dignified CEO of OKX, furrowing his brow behind a meticulously waxed moustache (metaphorically, of course). Into this bustling scene bursts Justin Sun, the ever-animated creator of Tron, waving an imaginary scroll and shouting, “Freeze! Freeze, I say!”
The reason? A most dastardly heist! Tron’s official X account pillaged, its vaults ransacked by shadowy cyber-cossacks. Sun, with a tone heavy as a provincial bailiff, accuses OKX of snoozing through a law enforcement summons: “You didn’t freeze the loot!” he proclaims.
Under the flickering candlelight of an X post (because where else, if not X?), Xu draws himself up and retorts, “Sir, much as I’d delight in freezing fortunes at your casual utterance or mysterious tweet, our scrupulous policies require actual law — not the whispers of wandering digital spirits. And as the CEO of HTX, surely you understand paperwork.” 😏
Not Even a Pigeon in the Spam Box
“We checked everywhere, even the spam box — not a pigeon, not a note,” Xu insists with all the drama of a municipal clerk searching for a missing bribe. No request from law enforcement. No midnight tap at the window. The office mail remained as desolate as a bureaucrat’s soul on a Monday.
Justin Sun, undeterred, produces a screenshot (for veracity, you understand) alleging he did indeed dispatch a “freeze notice.” Tragically, that notorious post has since vanished into the aether, or perhaps was swept up by a passing Cossack on horseback. How else was he to reach OKX’s compliance chapter? Telegram? Carrier goose? A message in a crypto bottle?
“These purloined tokens aren’t mine!” Sun cries, invoking the ancient code of defending the little people—by which he means his 1.7 million X followers. Tron DAO, whose account was so foully compromised, warns its denizens: “If you received a message from us on May 2, delete promptly and blame the miscreant, not us.”
The modern advice from the steppe: “Ignore strange DMs. Unless it’s your babushka.”
Xu, unsatisfied with cryptic tales, demands: “Kindly show us the time, the address, a wax seal — anything.” Screenshots or it didn’t happen!
This isn’t an isolated duel. Indeed, the steppes of X are littered with fallen wallets: Kaito AI, tricked and trounced in March as hackers brashly told users their funds were “unsafe” (because nothing builds trust like a little panic). Pump.fun’s account fell in February, sold out for a knockoff token called “PUMP” (as if the name alone weren’t warning enough). Even the account of Lucy Powell, esteemed member of Parliament, was hijacked to tout scam coins. Parliament’s finest, selling snake oil. Wonders never cease.
So ends today’s crypto theatre: accusations, denials, and a spam box as empty as a civil servant’s promises. Somewhere, Gogol is chuckling.
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2025-05-04 06:10