Cooper Companies’ Carnage: A Bloodbath in Broad Daylight

by

The market opened like a junkie’s nightmare – all glassy-eyed panic and syringe-strewn trading floors. By noon, Cooper Companies had lost 13% of its paper soul, a collapse so violent it made the Hindenburg look like a controlled descent. Was it bad earnings? A rogue CEO tweet? No. It was the inevitable result of trusting corporations to have ethics. [pullquote]They’re not selling eyewear anymore – they’re hawking placebo contact lenses to a dying generation.[/pullquote]

Zoom out: this isn’t a stock plunge. It’s a ritual sacrifice. Analysts in thousand-dollar loafers chant algorithmic incantations while hedge fund hyenas circle the carcass. The eye exam image? A sick joke. They’re not checking vision – they’re measuring how long before shareholders go blind from the smoke and mirrors.

Let’s not pretend this is about optics. Cooper Companies has spent decades turning human vision into a goddamn spreadsheet. Raise prices 20% annually, lower quality by 30%, lay off 15% of the workforce every quarter – rinse, repeat. Until the math breaks. Until the mirror cracks. Until the blood in the water attracts sharks with MBAs.

Here’s the truth they won’t bury in a 10-Q: this company sold its soul to the vampire squid of late-stage capitalism. Now the squid’s hungry again. [cta]Subscribe to our doom[/cta] 🕶

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2025-08-29 00:32