Colorado Crypto Carnival: $8.4B at Stake, Donkey-Laden Shenanigans Ensue!

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Ah, what folly! Observe, dear reader, as a certain company—incorporated in the ever-verdant land of Colorado—finds itself starring in an epic of duplicity, all whilst sipping jasmine tea with its disreputable cousins from China. This Xinbi Guarantee (what a name! One expects a knight in shining armor, but instead receives a horse with a dubious mustache) stands accused of corraling billions in crypto, ostensibly for “investment,” yet mostly for rinsing dirty digital coins hustled by Southeast Asian rogues. Bravo, the imagination!

Our sagacious friends at Elliptic delivered this revelation on the 13th day of May: Xinbi’s coffers are positively fattened, boasting a merry sum of $8.4 billion, mostly in the noble form of Tether (USDT). If one’s riches must be laundered, why not be fashionable about it?

In this clandestine bazaar (conducted on Telegram, no less—because who wouldn’t trust a shadowy chat room named after a mode of Victorian communication?) merchants hawk secrets and scandals: gadgets, pilfered identities, the finest in fraudulent documentation—all served with a side of “money laundering,” the most popular special on the menu. Scammers across Southeast Asia feast upon these dubious delights, carving fortunes via the notorious pig butchering ploy. 🐷💸

Xinbi, grandiloquent as ever, insists on its website that it’s a bold and upright “investment and capital guarantee group company.” As proof, it touts its Colorado incorporation—2022 vintage—like a badge of honor one finds at a second-rate masquerade.

But alas, tragedy struck! In January 2025, the grand corporation’s status changed to ‘Delinquent’—a word that, in polite company, inspires the same shudder as ‘overcooked escargot.’ The cause? Failure to file a periodic report. Shocking! (Or not.)

The black marketplace menu entices with more than just money laundering (though, let’s be honest, that’s the house favorite): technological trinkets like Starlink for the would-be scoundrel, stolen personal data for the aspiring fraudster, and forged documents for those who like their paperwork spicy. The shenanigans would make even Tartuffe blush.

Xinbi isn’t content to be some small-time scallywag. It’s vaulted into second place among the world’s most bustling digital dens of iniquity, lagging only behind the illustrious Huione Guarantee. In the final bow of 2024, the platform shuffled a sum exceeding $1 billion—far more agile than the average taxman. Researchers even draw lines from Xinbi’s stage to North Korean hackers, who seem determined to win this international relay of laundered loot.

Elliptic, feeling most industrious, dug up thousands of crypto addresses employed by Xinbi and its fellow tricksters. Cautiously, they whisper that $8.4 billion is merely the floor—not the ceiling—of this feverish market’s true revenue. Such modesty!

Xinbi boasts a grand chorus of 233,000 participants, all swirling together beneath the banner of a “guarantee model.” Here, vendors must deposit a princely sum to dissuade cheating—a bit like paying a fox to guard the henhouse, but with more spreadsheets.

Second to Huione Guarantee

Once upon a July (2024), Elliptic’s magnifying glass uncovered yet another rickety Telegram bazaar: the formidable Huione Guarantee. There, an even beefier ensemble (the Huione Group) presided over an illustrious $98 billion in crypto exchanges—enough to buy a small army or a fleet of pastry chefs.

The US Treasury, never to be outdone, branded Huione a money-laundering den in early May and promised to cut the group off from the grand banquet that is the American banking system. Even Scapin would struggle to talk his way out of that.

In sum: these platforms are not merely dens of iniquity—they’re windows into an entire underground economy, China-born and Tether-fuelled, where fortunes are washed whiter than Monsieur Jourdain’s best linens. Mon dieu! If only such creativity could be applied to something slightly less felonious. 😂🤷‍♂️

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2025-05-14 07:23