Somewhere in the digital labyrinthine corridors of finance, a shadowy figure—ZackXBT, not to be confused with household pets or thermostats—has once again miraculously discovered a cool $45 million pilfered from Coinbase users. This happened not over a year, not a month, but in the last seven days. Yes, weeks now have seasons, apparently: cryptocurrency spring, scam summer, despair autumn, and suspicious winter. No wonder the analysts need coffee.
Our dear onchain Poirot, ZackXBT, waves his magnifying glass and mutters:
“Over the past few months, I have reported on nine figures stolen from Coinbase users via similar social engineering scams. Interestingly, no other major exchange has the same problem.”
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By ZackXBT’s reckoning, an annual $330 million vanishes from Coinbase users to the cosmic void of ‘social engineering’ (which sounds less like a crime and more like a Moscow theater troupe). Every scam, it seems, grows more sophisticated, as if the villains up their game with every news cycle—soon, perhaps, they’ll send holographic cats offering you inheritance from a distant Czar.
The FBI’s Trail of Letters, Warnings, and Sighs
Back in July 2024, a batch of Coinbase users were treated to an avant-garde performance—scammers impersonating support staff! For the grand finale, one user lost $1.7 million. The applause was, sadly, in binary code.
The revered American bureau, more accustomed to wiseguy mobsters than wisecrypto mobsters, issued a warning in August: beware of people pretending to be exchanges. Who knew monosyllabic emails screaming “URGENT” weren’t trustworthy?
By September, for their encore, the FBI pointed out a delightful trend: fake jobs and employment tests. Yes, the only time filling in an Excel spreadsheet could cost you six figures—how postmodern.
Among the gallery of suspects: North Korean hacking groups, infamously creative—disguising malware as nice little job offers. “Click here for generational wealth” or perhaps “Install now to claim your dream career!” If only Google Docs came with a lie detector.
March 2025 arrived, bearing a fresh bouquet of scam emails, all of which cleverly imitated actual crypto exchanges: “Please withdraw your money to this external wallet, preferably before lunch.” Some complied, and their funds performed a vanishing act worthy of a top-tier magician.
Phillip Martin, head of security at Coinbase, suggests what any exhausted character in a Kafka play would: let’s have a big, unified scam reporting system. One scam to rule them all! Until then, hold onto your wallets and remember—on the internet, nobody knows if you’re a billionaire… or just another mark.
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2025-05-08 00:25