Coinbase Unleashes Four New Cryptos, Risks Breaking Internet (and Maybe Your Willpower)

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Some days you wake up and realize the world has changed entirely overnight. You’ll wonder if your spouse accidentally swapped your coffee for decaf, or maybe your neighbor finally took that “Herbalife” sign down. But no – today, it’s just Coinbase, infusing the already jittery crypto crowd with four more “hot” tokens no one outside of a particularly dedicated Discord server could name without a cheat sheet.

Eager to make your money work for you (and for them, obviously), the ever-ambitious exchange announced on X (because “Twitter” was too mainstream, I suppose) that it’s running a kitchen-sink crypto giveaway: Towns Protocol (TOWNS), Succinct (PROVE), Euler (EUL), and Mamo (MAMO) have all been tossed into the great whirlwind of ERC-20 options. Move over, Dogecoin – make way for the strange acronyms of the future. 🌪️💸

ERC-20: Now With More Acronyms Than a DMV Form

The plan is simple: expand access, boost offerings, make sure nobody ever quite remembers all the coins in their “portfolio.” Coinbase is distributing its new babies across both the Ethereum and Base networks, as though spreading risk also means spreading joy. PROVE and EUL take a shining bow on Ethereum, while TOWNS and MAMO slide onto Base like they’re entering an awkward family reunion. 🎩

Of course, before you get too excited, some humdrum reality: certain tokens may-due to “regulatory compliance”-not be available everywhere. Yes, there’s always that one party guest your HOA just won’t tolerate. So if you’re refreshing desperately in Guam, maybe grab a sandwich instead.

Not all the new tokens are open for trading yet. It’s a bit like trying to order a McFlurry, only to be told the machine won’t be available till the universe realigns. But rejoice, impulsive traders: PROVE and TOWNS are live right now, ready to be hoarded, swapped, or perhaps traded for three magic beans on Coinbase’s app or website (iOS, Android, Tamagotchi, etc.).

MAMO and EUL, on the other hand, are playing hard to get. Their big moment arrives on or after 9 AM PT, August 6, 2025, giving us ample time to ponder life’s biggest questions, such as: “What is liquidity, really?” And “Should I tell my parents I put their life savings in ‘MAMO’ because it sounded ‘cute’?”

If you think you can escape TOWNS by switching exchanges, think again. Binance, Bybit, and every platform with a ‘Y’ in its name seems to be tumbling over themselves to add this coin. It’s like FOMO on a cosmic scale. 🪙🚀

Coinbase’s “Roadmap”: Now Featuring Mysterious dYdX

But wait, as they cry during every late-night infomercial: “There’s more!” For dessert, Coinbase is teasing the addition of dYdX (COSMOSDYDX) to its sacred “roadmap” – which is basically the exchange equivalent of saving something to your Amazon wish list and hoping you get paid before you forget about it. 🎯

Assets added to the roadmap today: dYdX (COSMOSDYDX)

– Coinbase Assets 🛡️ (@CoinbaseAssets) August 5, 2025

Trading for COSMOSDYDX isn’t live yet, but in true crypto fashion, anticipation is considered a feature, not a bug. No launch date. No way of knowing when the doors will open. Just pure, speculative suspense – the kind that keeps you refreshing Reddit, praying that “sufficient market-making support and technical infrastructure” means “Thursday at the earliest.” ⏳

In conclusion: Four new tokens, one mysterious roadmap addition, and an endless parade of abbreviations that would make a government agency swoon. Good luck remembering what you bought, or why. 🤷‍♂️✨

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2025-08-06 02:26