Coinbase Boss Goes on Shopping Spree: Who Will Be Next?

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Once upon a Tuesday, the grand potentate of Coinbase, Brian Armstrong (no relation to the other Armstrongs—though he might wish he had a moon to park his coins on), gazed over his ever-expanding empire and declared, “We shall gobble more!” Such are the passions of men who find merger and acquisition opportunities as irresistible as warm meat pies in February.

“We are always peering around for juicy M&A bits,” Armstrong announced on Bloomberg Television, his spectacles glinting with the cold fire of ambition—or perhaps that was just the studio lights. “Look at our pot of gold!” he practically sang, gesturing at a balance sheet swollen to the tune of $9.9 billion in US dollars, as though expecting applause, or at least a polite cough.

No doubt, being a public company comes with perks: if you have a liquid currency, why not splash it about like a babushka washing onions? “Of course, we do not lunge at every shiny trinket,” Armstrong intoned sagely. “Only the finest, ripest opportunities for us. No rotten ones!”

On May 8, the Coinbase tribe revealed they had swapped a handsome sum—$2.9 billion, including $700 million in actual cash and 11 million bright shiny shares—for Deribit, a crypto options market. Imagine, if you will, an auction scene where all the buyers are named Brian and the currency is hope. Sizzling stuff. 🔥

Thus, with this pocket change, Coinbase strolled into the crypto derivatives bazaar, intent to peddle its wares to an impatient world thirsting for profit—or at least a brief distraction from the existential dread of Monday mornings. 🌍

Yet, when asked whether he would simply buy Circle next (as if one just strolls into the marketplace and says, “I’ll have a stablecoin partner with my coffee, thank you”), Armstrong clammed up. “Nothing to announce!” he proclaimed, with the evasive optimism of a bureaucrat standing before a malfunctioning samovar.

Meanwhile, Ripple, eager to join this merchant frenzy, flung a $5 billion bid at Circle, only to have it briskly shooed away. Clearly, this bazaar is not for the faint of wallet.

Coinbase stock surges

And what of Coinbase’s standing among America’s oligarchs? Why, it shall now join the illustrious S&P 500 club on May 19—not exactly a ball at the Nevsky Prospect, but quite a feat! The index, famous for tracking the fortunes of 500 plentifully capitalized giants, shall henceforth include a touch of digital volatility in its ranks. 🤖💸

Coinbase shares leapt like a startled goat, ending the day up 2.5%, and now perched at $263 in after-hours trading, according to those omniscient arbiters at Google Finance. In the merry month of May, stock (COIN) has soared over 30%, and almost 50% for those who enjoy counting their chickens before they hatch. One can only imagine Brian Armstrong searching for M&A targets through a gilded opera glass, plotting which company’s stock he’ll spike next. Curtain call, anyone?

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2025-05-15 07:03