Coinbase Battles IRS: You Won’t Believe Why They’re Taking It to the Supreme Court! 🥊

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Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, and feast your eyes on the most peculiar battle of the century! The notorious coin-wranglers over at Coinbase have deployed a dazzling amicus brief (that’s legalese for “let me butt in!”) straight to the splendidly stern United States Supreme Court. The fiery case at hand? A fistfight over whether the IRS—a bunch of chaps obsessed with numbers and the word “audit”—can snoop through the digital drawers of cryptocurrency users without a search warrant! Oh, the scandal of it all!

Coinbase to IRS: “No, You May NOT Peek at 500,000 Users’ Undergarments—Er, Data!” 🕵️‍♂️

Armed with a brief juicier than a gobstopper, Coinbase’s top legal wizard Paul Grewal sounded the trumpet on X (don’t call it Twitter, or you’ll risk a Muskian glare). According to the brief, the IRS daringly attempted a grand “trawl” into the personal and financial secrets of over 14,000 Americans—without even a polite knock on the door! Coinbase claims this government data-quest is about as subtle as a rhinoceros in roller skates, and warns it could flatten privacy for every blockchain-loving muggle in the land.

The dastardly plot twists back to 2017, when the IRS launched the infamous “John Doe summons.” Their mission? To hoover up the financial tangles of more than half a million Coinbase clients. (Picture the IRS dressed as pirates, exclaiming, “Give us your blockchain booty!”) The Trump administration egged them on, desperate to catch secretive crypto hoarders tiptoeing away from their taxes.

But Coinbase, undeterred and possibly sipping fizzy lifting drinks, bravely sassed back: “Fishing expedition, eh? Try finding a whale in the kiddie pool!” Their courtroom jigs managed to drastically reduce the data spill—they didn’t let the IRS nab all the sweets in the jar, just a few measly jellybeans.

The third-party doctrine says that any time you voluntarily share info with a third party you have no reasonable expectation of privacy whatsoever. Today @coinbase filed an amicus brief with the US Supreme Court to right this wrong. 1/3

— paulgrewal.eth (@iampaulgrewal) April 30, 2025

Enter, stage left, one James Harper: part Bitcoin boffin, part legal eagle, and full-time “thorn in the IRS’s socks.” Back in 2020, Harper donned his suit of justice and sued the IRS, waving his own banner for privacy. This rollicking case has now rattled its way up to the grandest court in the land.

Coinbase vs. The Most Baffling Legal Gobbledygook: The Third-Party Doctrine 🎩

At the heart of Coinbase’s defense is a brainbendingly boring but all-too-powerful incantation: the “third-party doctrine.” The Department of Justice swears by it (like children swear by chocolate), arguing that if you hand your info to a third party—say, a bank or a digital exchange—your precious privacy evaporates into thin air. Presto! No more secrets for you!

But Grewal, with a wink and a wag of his digital finger, says, “Well, that’s a bit daft, isn’t it?” After all, this isn’t Dickensian London, tossing letters into the wind. It’s the digital age, full of blockchains, passwords, and enough data to make the BFG dizzy.

With a flourish, Coinbase’s letter pleads with the Supremes (the judges, not the singers) to rein in the doctrine, ideally popping it in a box labeled “Do Not Use Unless Absolutely Boring.” They’re not just nattering about crypto either—they’re arguing for digital dignity everywhere. Oh, and before you ask: Coinbase is, of course, “dedicated to tax compliance,” but they fancy their IRS demands narrow as Oompa Loompa trousers, not blanket-sized and itchy.

As the crypto drama unfolds, the plot thickens! Tornado Cash, another digital rascal, recently schooled Uncle Sam’s courts, and Grewal raised a glass of probably imaginary champagne for their win. Maybe privacy isn’t quite dead after all—it’s just hiding in a really good block.

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2025-04-30 21:53