Chase & Apple: A Slightly Less Terrible Deal?

Right. So, Apple decided its little credit card experiment needed a grown-up. Not that Goldman Sachs is… not a grown-up. Let’s just say they’re more comfortable moving numbers around on screens than actually, you know, lending them. JPMorgan Chase, naturally, swooped in. Because when in doubt, give everything to the biggest player. It’s efficient, if a little… predictable. And honestly? I’m not entirely sure anyone involved is thrilled about this, but let’s pretend they are.

Goldman’s exit is framed as ‘streamlining,’ which is corporate speak for “we messed this up.” They thought they could waltz into consumer banking? Bless their hearts. It’s like me deciding I’m going to become a brain surgeon. I can read a book, sure, but I’d probably end up causing more damage than good. The handover will take two years, which is approximately 18 months longer than it takes me to make a bad decision.

Not Exactly Reinventing the Wheel

For those unfamiliar, the “issuer” is the bank actually footing the bill when you max out your shopping spree. It’s not just the logo on the plastic. Although, let’s be real, a sleek card design can only get you so far. Chase is, shall we say, proficient in this area. They’re the biggest card issuer in the country. It’s a bit like being the person who always brings the chips to the party – reliably boring, but everyone’s secretly grateful you’re there.

Adding 12 million Apple Card holders to Chase’s existing 150 million? It’s not a game-changer, is it? It’s like adding a single olive to a giant martini. But – and this is where it gets interesting – those Apple Card users are young. Like, aggressively millennial and Gen Z young. The 20-40 demographic accounts for 70% of them. And that, my friends, is a demographic Chase can sell to. Upsell, cross-sell, whatever you want to call it. They’ll be pitching Reserve cards before you can say “compound interest.” It’s predatory, obviously. But also… smart.

We don’t know the financial details of this deal, and frankly, I’m not holding my breath for transparency. But here’s the thing: Chase is getting a whole lot of new customers. And those customers are prime targets for… well, everything. Higher-tier cards, mortgages, auto loans, the whole shebang. It’s a long game, and Chase is very good at playing it. And honestly, I’m not sure they’re doing it for altruistic reasons.

So, will this deal send Chase stock soaring? Probably not. But will it provide a nice, steady boost? I’d bet on it. It’s not glamorous, it’s not revolutionary, but it’s… sensible. And in this market, sensible is almost a luxury. I mean, let’s be honest, it’s a bit like finally fixing a leaky faucet. It’s not exciting, but it prevents a flood. And sometimes, that’s all you can ask for.

2026-02-08 07:33

Not Exactly Reinventing the Wheel

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