Let’s talk about the Department of Justice and their light reading habits. On April 28, they treated themselves to the literary equivalent of War and Peace—a 97-page sentencing memo—because apparently, brevity is overrated when you’re accusing someone of financial carnage. Alex Mashinsky, founder of Celsius and, if rumors are true, a man who can sleep soundly on a pile of other people’s lost Bitcoin, is now being cast as the villain in a drama even Netflix would call unrealistic. 🎭
Prosecutors argue that thousands of Celsius users watched their $4.7 billion in crypto get frozen faster than a cheap steak thrown into liquid nitrogen. June 12, 2022, will forever be remembered as the day withdrawals were locked and Reddit forums everywhere became digital group therapy sessions. 🤦♂️
The memoir (let’s call it that, because why not?) lays out Mashinsky’s “years-long campaign of lies and self-dealing,” which is kind of like entrepreneurship, except you subtract the “ship” and add indictments. If you’ve ever accidentally spent your grandparents’ inheritance on Dogecoin, imagine that, but then running the whole zoo. With billions vanishing and “thousands of victimized customers,” the DOJ is angling for a 20-year prison vacation for Mashinsky. Just punishment? Or maybe they just want him to finally read something shorter than their memo.
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2025-04-29 18:14