What cosmic irony is this? The indexes reached celestial heights as inflation data whispered promises of interest rate cuts-salvation for some, perhaps-but not for Etoro. No, for Etoro, the gods of finance turned their faces away. Despite posting earnings that exceeded expectations, the company suffered under the weight of investor disillusionment. Was it greed that blinded them? Or was it something deeper, more primal-a rejection of hope itself?
Underwear manufacturers, as a rule, do not inspire such frenetic behavior. Indeed, the entire industry operates under a suspiciously calm assumption that humanity will always require garments to wear next to its skin. But today, Hanesbrands found itself at the center of a corporate drama that could only be described as a rom-com if romances involved leveraged buyout terms sheets and comas. The Financial Times, that venerable institution of financial gossip, reported that Gildan Activewear (GIL)-a Canadian company that somehow owns both Gildan T-shirts and the rights to Champion, as though it had won a particularly niche lottery-was allegedly preparing to acquire Hanesbrands for $5 billion. (Including, one suspects, a small fee for the universe to pause its usual chaos just long enough for this deal to make sense.)
In a serendipitous twist, two analysts, that diligent pair of sentinels who keep vigil over Franco-Nevada, chose to elevate their estimations, both settling upon a delicate figure of $184 per share-an increment from their former convictions of $182. Derick Ma from TD Securities and Tanya Jakusconek from Scotiabank, however, bore the resolve to maintain their hold recommendations, almost as if they sought to temper the exuberance that might be incited by such an auspicious adjustment.
Initially adrift in a sea of uncertainty, Oklo’s shares had waned, burdened by the aftershocks of a quarterly earnings report revealing a net loss of $24.7 million, equating to $0.18 per share for the nascent, pre-revenue company. Investors, akin to scholars poring over an inscrutable manuscript, fretted over the nebulous timelines of their enterprise. Yet, as if a fateful turn of the page revealed a vital passage, the tide shifted dramatically with news from the Department of Energy (DOE).
The order, with the moral certainty of a man who has never lost a game of bridge, blames “opportunistic trial lawyers” for keeping crypto out of retirement plans. One imagines these lawyers as a particularly nosey flock of seagulls, swooping down to snatch your chips. The administration proposes “safe harbors” for crypto trading-a sort of legal bubble wrap for companies with the courage to offer digital assets. It is a charmingly literal solution to a problem that might have been better addressed with a firm handshake and a stiff drink.
If you had put $1,000 into Berkshire Hathaway back in August 2020-just a casual four-digit bet on an octogenarian billionaire who doesn’t text or tweet-you’d be sitting pretty with $2,221 today. That’s an annualized growth rate of 17.3%. Meanwhile, the S&P 500 (^GSPC), which everyone loves to fawn over like it’s their favorite sitcom rerun, only grew by 13.8% annually without dividends reinvested. Add those dividends? Still lags behind Berkshire. And let me just say, if I hear one more person bragging about their index fund like it’s a golden retriever winning Best in Show, I might scream.
IonQ (IONQ) and Quantum Computing Inc. (QUBT) are the two knights in this quantum joust. IonQ’s ions dance under laser beams like a psychedelic ballet, while QCi’s photons sprint through entropy’s chaos. But here’s the rub: one is a starving visionary, the other a bloated corporate ghost. Let’s ride the data highway and see who survives the next crash.
USA Rare Earth remains in the pre-revenue phase of its development, a status that could be described as “financially opaque” if one were being polite. The company’s Q2 report offered no profit margins, no revenue figures, and certainly no answers to life’s great questions (like why tea bags are labeled “twist to close” when they’re already twisted). However, management did confirm that operations at its Oklahoma rare earth magnet facility remain on track for Q1 2026-a date so far in the future it might as well be written in hieroglyphics.
Behold the magic of mid-May 2025: Nvidia and Navitas decided to team up and build data centers so efficient, they’ll make your 1980s mainframe weep into its floppy disks. These aren’t your grandmother’s data centers-they’re 800V powerhouses needing silicon carbide (SiC) and gallium nitride (GaN) chips to function. Navitas, of course, sells those. It’s like giving a baker a recipe for eternal life… if the baker also happened to sell the ingredients. [stock_chart symbol="NASDAQ:NVTS" f_id="381020" language="en"]
Now, I’d like to introduce you to International Business Machines-or IBM, as it’s affectionately known by those who have stopped squinting at their 401(k) statements. You’d think that, given its long history of industry influence, IBM would be the toast of Wall Street. But no, it’s been left to quietly profit while everyone is busy chasing the flashy newcomers. And why? Well, IBM’s strategy in the AI realm is simple: solve real problems for real businesses. No need for flashy headlines or piles of venture capital. No sir. IBM has decided to make itself indispensable to those enterprises that need a reliable, cost-effective, and safe way to harness the power of artificial intelligence.