Cryptonews

According to the bank that presumably knows a thing or two about money, Bitcoin is still playing the underdog against gold. Their crystal ball-or spreadsheet-suggests that BTC could vault to $165,000 by year-end, achieving a new all-time high. The analysts, in their infinite wisdom, point out that gold’s recent climb has made Bitcoin look like the more charming guest at the investment party, especially as BTC-to-gold volatility has drifted below 2.0. Fancy that!

The plot thickens: Pedro, who’s been the mastermind behind a staggering €500 million crypto scam, was taken down in true movie-style fashion. Thai Immigration officers confirmed that he was snatched from the depths of a luxury shopping mall after a Portuguese journalist-yes, you read that right, a journalist on holiday-spotted him. You can’t make this stuff up, folks. The journalist, doing their best good Samaritan act, tipped off the authorities, and just like that, Pedro’s dream vacation turned into a one-way ticket back to reality.

“It’s for research and grants!” they chirped, as if we wouldn’t notice they did the exact same thing last month-except ten times bigger. $43.6 million worth of ETH, gone faster than my motivation to exercise. At this rate, they’ll be funding “research” into how to cry into a crypto wallet.

Because apparently, the wild west of crypto wasn’t chaotic enough, Russia is now rolling out its very official infrastructure-because nothing says “trust us” like a government-backed blockchain experiment. According to TASS (because who needs unbiased reporting?), this will help Russians use crypto in totally legal ways that definitely won’t involve sanctions evasion. Wink.

Ah, esteemed reader, behold the mighty Citadel of Finance, Citibank, in its infinite wisdom- or is it folly?- has hurled its projections skyward for these ethereal chains of code, Bitcoin and Ethereum. What have we wrought in this madhouse of capitalism?

On October 3rd, Bitcoin (BTC), that digital diva, flirted shamelessly with the $124,000 mark, fueled by the utterly preposterous “Upctober” narrative sweeping through the crypto economy like a cocktail party gossip. According to Bitstamp’s ever-watchful eye, BTC reached a giddy $123,966 before retreating, with all the grace of a Coward character, to just below $122,000 by 3:00 p.m. EST. The rally, which began with the month’s first champagne cork, has reignited hopes of a year-end crescendo toward a new all-time high (ATH). Bravo, Bitcoin, bravo! 🎉

Apparently, this is “standard operational procedure,” which is corporate speak for, “We’re doing this because we can.” The goal? To ensure a “smooth transition of assets” during core blockchain maintenance. Because nothing says smooth like temporarily locking up your tokens. 🧊

Aye, the momentum? It whispers of construction, but what is construction but a facade for the heart’s turmoil? The test looms, mocking Fate’s cruel game-will the token’s wretched soul extend its ephemeral bullish phase, or shall it pause, breathless, for yet another descent into despair? Truly, in this marketplace masquerade, one laughs at the fools chasing shadows, as if price were a salvation and not a perpetual torment! 📈😂

The universe-the one with the hitchhiking guide and a suspiciously persistent hitchhiker’s fee-now wonders if LINK can keep climbing toward $47, a number that last resembled a high-water mark from the ancient era known as 2021.

Laser’s CEO, Jez Mohideen-a name that rolls off the tongue like a poorly translated haiku-proclaimed to Bloomberg that this move is a testament to their faith in Japan’s digital asset scene. Faith, you say? Or is it desperation cloaked in the silk of optimism? After all, Laser, born in 2022, already boasts a crypto license from Dubai, a city where even the sand is gilded. Yet, here they are, bowing to Tokyo’s bureaucrats. 🧑‍💼🙇‍♂️